Dork-o-Rama: The Random Thoughts of a Total Goofball

Embracing the Dork Side....Because Life is Too Short to Take Yourself Too Seriously

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Is it wrong...

...that I enjoyed this as much as I did?

I'm talking about what happens at the 3:20 mark...

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Hey, fucktard...

....your minivan does NOT belong in a parking spot designated for a compact car!

Your minivan isn't small, despite the presence of the word "mini" in the name!


(whew. i had to get that off my chest.)

Oh, and for those who were wondering: I've had exactly one more response to my silly online dating thingie, bringing the grand total to (wait for it!): FOUR.

The latest comes from a guy who's 3 inches shorter than I am, and who describes himself as "ultra conservative."

And it's the latter that's most troubling to me.

I can't help but laugh.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

My iPod must be female...

...because she can't stop choosing John Mayer songs, while set on "shuffle." She's also a little hung up on the Dave Matthews Band (much like her owner).

(And if it's not female, I may have made a big mistake in buying a sparkly carrying case for it...)

I mean, yeah... I have several songs by both artists on my iPod, but there's a ton of other stuff on it too. I can't tell you how many times on my walks this weekend that I had to nudge her along to other tunes by other artists. I've even forgotten about some of the stuff I have on there because she has her favorites (I DID download that Rilo Kiley song I love so much! And hey! Keane!). She just doesn't shuffle very well.

The other thing I noticed while attempting to get my heart rate up this weekend: there are lots of people around here who have yet to take down their Christmas decorations. I even saw a tree, still fully decked out, in one house. Hi, fire hazard much??

What is the point of this post? I'm stalling. I don't want to clean my bathroom. I hope you don't feel used.

Song lyric of the day, which actually made me chuckle:

I know I'm alone
If I'm with or without you
But just being around you
Offers me another form of relief

-- Rilo Kiley, "Portions for Foxes"

Friday, January 26, 2007

Another rockin' Friday night, Chez Dorky...

7 p.m.

Work clothes have been shed.

Make-up removed.

Pajamas and slippers already on.

Sushi dinner awaits in the kitchen.

Ahhhhh. I'm so pooped I might not get out of my PJs all weekend.

Oh, but wait... I need a new desk chair. I guess I have to dress and leave the house for that.

I leave you with this thought: why can't half the "chefs" on the Food Network OR Top Chef pronounce "chipotle" or "mascarpone" properly? So many of them say "chih-POLE-tay" or "MAR-scah-pone." Drives. Me. CRAZY.

That is all.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Aren't you sorry I finally bought a digital camera?

Is this too much cleavage for work? Probably. I certainly got lots of looks when I went grocery shopping after work.
Remember last month's epic zit? There's still evidence of it on my face. Why, why, WHY???

Isn't this a pretty glass? It's hard to tell, but it's kind of a purply-blue. Or a bluey-purple. I found a set of these in an antique store while killing time before my last hair appointment. They're smaller than regular wine glasses. They're supposed to be for liqueurs and such.

Like this. Mmmmm. Pretty and yummy together.

I'm watching you!

I've never said I was anything but a dork. And I've just proved it.


Tuesday, January 23, 2007


- Three. That is exactly how many responses I've gotten so far in my latest little foray back into online dating. Am I surprised? No. It's typical. And the last time I did this, I was under 40. I'm guessing there aren't too many fellas using search terms like "chubby" (albeit fabulous) and "over 40" in their search for their dream girl.

- Can this asshat of a president ever give a speech without mentioning 9/11? Just once? Gah, he even put me to sleep for a few minutes there. It's like listening to an adult in a Charlie Brown cartoon. And what does Nancy Pelosi have in her mouth? Is something stuck in her teeth? Can someone get her a toothpick?

- I wore my fabulous new t-shirt to hula class last night, and no one got it. Or if they did, they didn't say anything. Apparently, I'm the only major pop culture dork in my class. I'm truly surprised by that.

- Have you ever been so hungry you thought you were going to die if you didn't eat something ASAP? That's how I felt after I got home from work today. I couldn't make dinner fast enough. And there's no explanation for it -- I had a normal lunch. I am, however, wiped out as I usually am on Tuesdays (that late hula class makes it virtually impossible for me to fall asleep before midnight on Mondays) and also PMSing. That would also explain the extreme chocolate cravings.

- I had something else I wanted to write about but I just wrote the word "chocolate" and now I'm distracted.

- Is it wrong to admit I'm already ready for the weekend?

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Happy anniversary... me! *

As of this weekend, it has now officially been ten years since the final collapse of that sham of a marriage of mine.

New here? You might want to pour yourself a drink and check this out, and also this and this, or a lot of what I'm about to say won't make much sense. (I'm not guaranteeing I'll make sense even if you know the whole sordid tale...)

Sometime after we'd reconciled, after I learned about the relationship he'd had while we'd been separated, he started seeing his boyfriend again (let's call him B). I don't recall how I found out, but as you might imagine, this didn't sit well with me. As you might expect, I told him he had to end it with him or end it with me, period. That there was no gray area here. His response was some shit about how he had to see B one more time to end it properly, to get closure.

He didn't come home for days. When we finally spoke (this was before either of us had cellphones, and I didn't have B's number) I told him if he didn't come home after work that day, he shouldn't bother ever coming here again, unless he was coming to get his stuff.

I honestly am not sure how, at this stage of the game, I thought we could somehow make this work. But I do remember saying there was no way to even try if he was, hello, LIVING WITH HIS BOYFRIEND. And he kept insisting he wanted to make it work, to be with me. Go figure. Much to my surprise, he came home. And we stuck it out for several more pathetic weeks...him not really wanting to be here, and me not trusting him at all.

Finally, one Friday night in January of 1997, we had plans to either go out to dinner or to have a talk (yes, we had to set up specific talk times... lame) -- I can't remember which. He didn't come home. I was livid, because it was pretty clear where he was. I spent the entire day Saturday fuming, waiting to hear from him. At around 8 or 9 that night, he called me, bawling, from the pay phone at the laundromat two blocks away. I told him not to bother coming over here, that he should just go back to B's, because I wanted nothing more to do with him. He begged and pleaded and bawled some more, and I caved.

I could barely even look at him, I was so furious. I can't even remember what he said to me, or how he tried to explain what he'd done. All I remember is asking if he'd had sex with B, he said yes (one of the few times he was ever honest with me during this fiasco, because he hated it when I'd get mad when he'd tell me the truth. dude, maybe you could try not to do things that make me, cheat!!) and I lost it. No, I didn't start to cry; all the anger and hurt I'd been carrying with me for so long finally bubbled over. Erupted, really. There was a lot of yelling - on my part. I said things to him I could never have imagined saying to someone I'd loved so much. This is also when I tried to hit him. I must have told him a thousand times to just get out, go, that I didn't want to see him ever again... and he wouldn't budge. I can't recall anything else he said, or why he claimed he didn't want to leave. Finally, after hours of this, I finally went to bed, and told him I hoped he'd be gone when I got up.

The next day, he was still here. He'd slept on the couch. I told him I didn't understand why he was still here, because I wanted him gone. I don't think he said anything, but he then went into the bedroom while I got something to drink. I then ended up on the couch in tears. I think I tried to read or something, but I don't recall. I remember sitting there trying to figure out what to do next.

This is where things get funny. Hours after he'd gone into the bedroom, I decided I needed to go in there and tell him again to leave. It was unbearable, this weird standoff.

He already had. Somehow, while I was in the living room, he'd managed to quietly pack up a few things (very few) and left without my knowing it. It was such a relief, on the one hand, because it was finally over...but it's not like I was ready to do a happy dance. Life was pretty painful for quite some time after that, but at least that giant uncertainty was gone. I could start healing.

I don't think I'll ever understand what the point of that relationship was. A lesson about getting past my fears? One of the main reasons the marriage lasted as long as it did was because I was afraid I'd never find love again.

Lo and behold, I haven't, but I ain't dead yet. And I've never felt as lonely as I was in that marriage.

*note: this is not sarcastic. this is sincere. this is a happy occasion, in a twisted sort of way.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Par for the course...

Yes, opening the door again to online dating was SUCH a grand idea!

Hello Dearest one, i am....from Ghana, i am 25 years of age and a musician. i am am about 5'6 ft tall long black hair. I am writing to you because of the highest interest that i had in you.i look through your profile and read everything about you, i am very loving, sincere, honest and loving guy that you can trust. i am humble and kind to every one because in this world human being only end in the earth when u are dead, am saying this because some of the women r rude and hash when u write to them, i hope u r not going to do like that.may be you cant see my picture there because i just registered this site to find my loved one here and God been so good i found you. wel i will always use a camara for you to see me live if any time we may chat and i am ready to show my seriouseness and how i am to you, you are never going to regret of having me. please in the lords name reply me now in ,y mail rather so that we can chat from there and know each other. plz i will love to hear from you now bye and take care of ur self for me, i will be waiting fr you. bye lets i forget,, u are really beautifull,,,,,,

Gotta hate those women who are rude and hash.
Oh, wait. I guess this makes me one of them.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

The things I do for you people...

Because you asked (wait....maybe it was only BuddhaGirl who asked...whatever!), here I am attempting to model my favorite new T-shirt. After several failed attempts at full-torso shots involving my camera's timer and my inability not to look like a freak in photos, I gave up and decided to try using my bathroom mirror.
Apparently, I thought a backwards message would be fun for you. A blurry one, at that.
So then I tried using the mirror to help me frame my shot.

You know, if I'd been trying to get those special effects, I'd never have succeeded. This is just an illustration of my inability to hold still for a few seconds.

So I tried using both hands, at a different angle.

Blurry AND lumpy! Check it out!

This is as good as it gets, people. How I suffer for you...

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

More challenging than most...

At least it was for me. Masg got me again... and now my brain hurts!

1. If you had to choose one vice in exclusion of all others what would it be? Chocolate. Gotta have the chocolate. But I also loves me some wine...

2. If you could change one specific thing about the world what would it be? I would depose our current president, for starters.

3. Name the cartoon character you identify with the most. I've been wracking my brain over this one, and I've got nothing. I don't identify with any cartoon character. Cartman?

4. If you could live one day in your life over again which one would it be? This is a toughie. I've been lucky to have many really great I'll go negative: my wedding day, so I could change the outcome. And NOT walk down that aisle.

5. If you could go back in history and spend a day with one person who would it be? My father.

6. What is the one thing you lost, sold or threw away that you wish you could have back? Uhh... I've lost a couple of pieces of jewelry I really liked, but they didn't have any sentimental value.

7. What is your one most important contribution to this world? I have no idea. I don't know that this is for me to say.

8. What is your one hidden talent that nearly no one knows about? Ummm...uummmmm.... I can't think of one. I don't have one, I guess.

9. What is your most cherished possession? My integrity.

10. What one person influenced your life the most when growing up? I was lucky to have many mentors who cared enough to help guide me through my youth, which was especially key after my father died. I can't name just one.

11. What one word describes you better than any other? One word? Really? Okay... GOOFY.

Why goofy? Because despite my better judgment, I've dipped my toe into the online dating waters again, after a five-year hiatus. Already, I'm less than thrilled by the response. One guy is seeking an 18-35 year old AND defines himself as "ultra conservative."

Another is very into camping and fishing and wakeboarding and other outdoorsy activities. Think he'd like to accompany me to my weekly manicure? Just ask my friend Kim about my one and only "camping" trip. (I'm snorting just thinking about it.)

Oy. What have I done?

Edited to add: Kim's musical recollection of that "camping" trip, when we were 18. Well, when I was 18. She wasn't yet 18:

"memories. like the corners of my mind. misty watercolored meeeeemories of how we ate like we were nevergoing to see food agaaaaain."


Sunday, January 14, 2007

As promised...

So, yeah. Guilty pleasures. I have many. I haven't admitted to most of them here.

Lord knows I wouldn't want to blow that cool cover I have.

Ahahahahahahahahahahaha HA. Yeah. COOL. That's me.

Um.... what was I saying? I probably should have waited until I was finished writing this before choosing a photo. I keep getting distracted for some reason.

Oh. Now I remember. My report on "What I Did Friday Night."

My pal Ellen and I went to see Justin Timberlake in concert. And he did, indeed, bring sexy back. Despite the weird stage set-up (center stage, theatre-in-the-round kind of thing) and seating arrangement (lots of general admission on the floor, and a VIP "dance lounge" closest to the stage), it was a very fun show. Hate all you want, but the boy IS a performer. He can sing. And dance.

Boy can he dance. Oh. My. Goodness. (I'm so glad he's in his mid-20's now, so it makes me look a little less like a dirty old woman than when I used to... uh... admire him when he was younger...). And I am a sucker for men who can dance.

The funniest part of the evening was when I realized a woman I work with -- someone I "supervise," even -- was in the row in front of me! Neither of us knew the other was attending. I felt terrible, like I was cramping her style or something, when she introduced me to her friends as "my boss." Yikes.

Back to JT. It's been funny to watch the evolution of his fan base. Yes, I saw NSync a few times. Okay, several times (c'mon... they were cute and fun and dancy and... just... fun.). And only once was I accompanied by a child. But at least people assumed we were there with young'uns, as there were many, many parents at all those shows. Even on his first solo tour, there were still a fair amount of kids and parents in the crowd.

Friday? I saw no parents. Lots of 20somethings. Some teenagers, but of the older variety. And us, in our 40's. We were definitely the oldest people sitting in our section.

But I'll put my ability to have fun up against some young'uns' any day of the week. It just takes me longer to recover afterwards (especially if the fun happens after a long week of work.). That's what three-day weekends are for!

(Sadly, he did not perform this. I would have wet myself if he had. And special thanks to Savage for calling my attention to this, which is pretty funny. Not as funny as the original, but you fellas will enjoy the cleavage...)

Thursday, January 11, 2007


I just realized why I despise him so.
I mean, another reason. One of many.
He reminds me of my former father-in-law.
Not really in appearance, though maybe a little. But definitely in attitude, demeanor, and the way he deals with people.
What a fucktard. (This applies to both Trump AND the ex-in-law.)
Go, Rosie, go!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Holy hamstrings, Batman!

Is this really only Wednesday? Good GOD, I'm fried. FRIED.

Work's been pretty nutty this week. It's inevitable, when you're in the middle of a special project, that all kinds of other issues and crises pop up.

And because of the holidays, the between-holiday bronchitis, and my trip to NYC, I've hardly hula'd in weeks. So this week's class was reeeeeeeally reeeeeeeeeeeally challenging, physically and mentally.

And my hamstrings are still screaming, two days later.

Luckily, I'm looking forward to indulging a very guilty pleasure on Friday night. I'll tell you all about it this weekend.


(wasn't this a fascinating post?)

Oh! Wait! I forgot to tell you! Part of the reason I couldn't get to sleep in a timely manner after hula on Monday night was because of a very bizarre incident in my 'hood.

As I was lying in bed, trying to nod off, I noticed some weird loud buzzing noise from out on the street somewhere. It got to be so annoying that I actually dragged my tired ass out of bed to look out the window.

An overhead electric wire about halfway down the block was sparking and flaming. And it seemed like no one in the homes nearby had noticed. It sure looked scary to me. So I called 911, and luckily, the dispatchers were already aware that something was up and the fire department showed up a few minutes later. But not before the sparking got brighter and brighter, until there was an enormous pop and a bunch of lights nearby went out. I've never seen anything like it.

But aren't you proud that I didn't sleep through this one? Unlike this incident?

Tuesday, January 09, 2007


That sigh of relief you hear? That's the sound of my car being paid off. I just wrote the last check for my last payment on this car on Sunday.

It will be like getting another pay raise, not having to make this payment every month. I never thought I'd get to this point.

It's also unbelievably nice NOT to feel like I have to juggle my bills each month, determining when to pay which bill -- depending on when payday is -- and which ones could handle partial payments this month or that one, if I was over my budget. Now, I've been able to put everything on auto-pay, and I don't even have to think about whether I'm behind on my cable bill anymore. Because I'm not. I can't be.

Mind you, I'm not debt-free, but I'm closer than I've been in years. I have a couple of pretty small debts (around $1000, give or take) to clear up, and then I'm done. And I have to be sure to be responsible about my spending now, so I can build up a decent chunk of savings and never again be in the financial straits I've been in over the past several years.

Ahh. That's the sound of a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders.

(Of course, I'm probably tempting the fates by writing this. Now my car will die, and/or I will lose my job!)

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Another iPod meme...

But first, a couple of completely random notes.

Why does the new Bailey's Caramel not taste like caramel at all? It just tastes like Bailey's. Not that that's a bad thing. I'm just saying. Also? The Sidecar is a most excellent cocktail. Especially when made at the place Miss Sassyhair refers to as Favorite Bar.

I went to the South Bay last night for a birthday dinner for my friend Sherri, and I swear, her ten-year-old son has aged three years in the four months since I've last seen him. He doesn't look ten at all. In a very short period of time, he's gone from looking like a little boy to looking like an adolescent and it FREAKS. ME. OUT. Note to my friends' kids: Knock it off with that growing up stuff. It makes me feel ancient.

Is there anything that smells better than bacon frying? I think not. Wonder what would happen if there were a bacon-scented cologne.

Is it wrong that I snickered when Giada de Laurentiis said, "Let's cut some cheese!" on her TV show just now?

Okay, on to to the meme...
Here's the deal: 1. Open your library on your Ipod. 2. Put it on Shuffle. 3. Press Play. 4. For every question, type the song that's playing. 5. When you go to a new question press the Next button. Nat interprets this as something about the story of your life, so I'll go with that.

Opening Credits: "Home," Barenaked Ladies. Ouch. This is one of their bitter songs. Though I guess it could certainly apply to my that sham of a marriage of mine.

Waking Up: "Gold Digger," Kanye West. Oh yeah. This one definitely wakes me up.

Falling In Love: "Hanging by a Moment," Lifehouse. That's an easy call. "Forgetting all I'm lacking/Completely incomplete/I'll take your invitation/You take all of me/Now I'm falling even more in love with you/Letting go of all I've held on to/ I'm standing here until you make me move/I'm hanging by a moment here with you...."

Fight Song: "Crazy in Love," Beyonce. Fight song? Okaaay.

Breakup Song: "The Heart of Life," John Mayer. Yeah. "Pain throws your heart to the ground/Love turns the whole thing around/No it won't all go the way it should/But I know the heart of life is good."

Making Up Song: "So Damn Lucky," Dave Matthews (from his solo album). It's about losing control of a car, but I can see a metaphor in there.

Life's Okay Song: "Take it Back," Barenaked Ladies. Uh, not really. "It's hard enough to stomach/But try to look away/Is this a news report or a trailer for a motion picture?/It all fades to gray..." There are even references to heightened airport security in here. ("Think of all the lives/Saved by plastic knives/It's naive/but make believe/We will never lose/if we remove our shoes...")I don't think this is a "life's okay" song, though I love it.

(Hey, my iPod's not shuffling very well... BNL twice? Well, there is a fair amount of BNL on my iPod...)

Mental Breakdown: "Walk Away," Kelly Clarkson. Yes, I have Kelly Clarkson on my iPod. I love this song. Do you have a problem with that?? Does this song's presence signal a mental breakdown??

Driving: "Ascension (Don't Ever Wonder)," Maxwell. I'd rather dance to this than drive to it...

Flashbacks: "Over My Head (Cable Car)," The Fray. Oh yeah. "I never knew/ I never knew that everything was falling through/That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue/To turn and run when all I needed was the truth..."

Happy Dance: "Sumthin' Sumthin'," Maxwell. He makes me want to dance, that's true.

(Again. not shuffling very well... Maxwell again? These are the only two songs of his that are ON my iPod!)

Regret: "Naked Eye," Luscious Jackson. Regret? Yeah, maybe. "With my naked eye/I saw all of the falling rain coming down on me/With my naked eye I saw all/If I said it all, I could be free..."

Final Battle: "Everyday," Dave Matthews Band. "All you need is/All you want is/All you need is/Love..." This is a battle song? Oh. Maybe it's MY battle song.

Death Scene: "Oh," Dave Matthews (solo again). "The world is blowing up/The world is caving in/The world has lost her way again/But you are here with me/But you are here with me/Makes it okay... I love you oh so well/Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow..."

Final Credits: "I Fought the Law," Green Day. Ha. Nice.

Consider yourself tagged, if you want to be!

Saturday, January 06, 2007

I could have written this myself, if I were half as smart, eloquent, and insightful as she is...

(No, not the specifics of the situation... the theme. It's sooooo very familiar.)

Thursday, January 04, 2007

A non-New York picture...

Also, one with ME in it... and I don't hate it! It's a New Year's miracle.

Or something.

It's the amazing Carlos Muffin and me! Carlos, in case you don't know, is the plush-toy-resembling kitty belonging to Her Highness. And he's just as cute in person as he is on the internets. (He's also apparently quite fond of perching on shoulders, as you'll see if you click on that link.... or he just liked having his ass in my face. You be the judge.)

Yes, I was a little drunk in this picture. Why do you ask?? And that red thing on my cheek? A reminder of the epic zit of December. Bleah. Make it go away.

And by request, my New York pashmina haul.

Added to the five pashminas I bought last year. (And doesn't include the ones I bought as gifts.)

And this*... is too good to be true. (Yes, I've ordered one!)

Okay, so here's my question to you: say you have a weird food allergy issue. Say you put your name on a mailing list of other people in your area with the same weird issue. Say these people are planning a dinner in your area in the near future. Do you go? Even if it feels a lot like a blind date, since you don't know any of these people?

*thanks to my good pal kimmy, for sending me the link!

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Somebody stop me...

Look! Even more pictures from New York! Because no one's ever photographed it before!

Fifth Avenue, Christmas Day. I wish I had a better shot of that big snowflake hanging over the street. It was really pretty all lit up at night, too.

The Brooklyn Bridge... and...uh... other bridges. The Manhattan and the Williamsburg? Can that be right?? That's what my map claims, anyway. Picture taken from the Staten Island Ferry, which, by the way, is the best freebie in New York.

The fountain outside what was the legendary Plaza Hotel, which is being turned into condos. Pheh.

Central Park, yet again. Told ya I spent a fair amount of time there.

It was pretty dang cold on that ferry! (Let's see how long I can keep this picture up before I'm urged to remove it by my friend John...)

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Kind of an odd end to the year...

Shortly before I left for a Friday night party in honor of a co-worker's boyfriend who's been re-called into the military (whee! fun!), I got the news that a long-time former co-worker (now retired) is gravely ill, with what sounds like a terrible prognosis.

This, after I spent a torturous half hour standing in line at my post office trying to pick up the mail that had accumulated while I was on vacation. I hate my post office. I mean, I REALLY hate my post office. Fuckers. They should all die painful deaths there. Or maybe some asteroid could land on the building and just wipe it off the face of the planet.

A girl can dream, can't she?

Still, 2006 was a pretty good year for me, what with the big job change and the new hobby and all the fun stuff I got to do. And the events of Friday reminded me that I have much for which to be grateful. I didn't even feel particularly sad about spending New Year's Eve on my own again. In fact, after all the craziness of the past month -- and a very fun mojito-sodden lunch Saturday with Her Cheesiness, Miss Angela, and Rebecca -- (she doesn't have a blog for me to link here, but her daughter does!), I was ready to spend a couple of days communing with my couch (plus, I have plenty of adult beverages on hand at home for my enjoyment). But not before the girls and I watched this video and giggled like fools a few dozen more times. It hasn't stopped being funny. In fact, it keeps getting funnier to me. And I think we're ready to perform our own version at some karaoke night...

Oh! That reminds me! Here's another really funny video. Be sure to watch the whole thing... or at least until the 1:50 mark. I was quite literally on the floor over this thing. WTF???

Plus, New Year's Day finally brought a long-awaited new episode of "No Reservations." It's about friggin' time...

Hi! Could this post be more disjointed?

Yes. Yes, it could. Here are a few more pics from my trip to New York (and no, I didn't go to Anthony Bourdain's restaurant. I'm really not a stalker....)

My attempt at being arty again, this time, on the Brooklyn Bridge. Ooh. Bridgey.

Central Park again. Preeeetty.

The fountain in City Hall Park. Also preeeetty. At least I think so.

The new purses. My great purchases in Chinatown. This one's for the girls, and Balloon Pirate.

Happy New Year, everyone!

(I think there are more links in this post than any other blog post on the internet. I must have set some sort of record here.. )