Well, THAT was interesting...
I couldn't resist. I DID end up taking a trip down unpleasant memory lane, and read that whole journal, which I started the day after he told me he was "struggling with bisexuality," and ends about a month after we split up for good, a little more than two years later (yeah, I'm not a consistent journaler... though since then, I've filled up four and a half more books.).
And when I was done, thinking, "Well, that wasn't so bad, "I realized that my jaw hurt and I had a headache.
I'd apparently been clenching my jaw without even realizing it.
What was really notable was how much agony I felt well before we finally separated, even more than after the split. Maybe not more -- different. That feeling of not knowing what to do, even though the answer is pretty clear. And isn't the answer you want. So you hold out for the one you do want. And wait. Even though nothing changes. And you wait. And things get worse. And you wait some more. In vain.
I also thought it was interesting just how long before the final split I realized that what I would be "losing" if we broke up was the illusion of the kind of love I want. And how willing I was to accept so much less than what I want, need, and dammit, deserve.
And it was troubling to realize that in the ensuing years, long after that debacle ended, I've STILL been willing to accept less. That I still don't value myself the way that I should...or even the way others do. Hell, that even HE did, in the end, when he finally admitted all the terrible things he'd done to me, knowing full well that all I'd ever done was love and support him more than anyone else in his life.
So instead of bringing me down, re-reading all of that gave me an entirely new perspective on me. I AM the shit. Yeah, my ass is huge and I don't really fit our society's definition of beauty, but fuck that. Any guy who gets even a minute of my attention is lucky. And I've gotta stop spending any time on anyone who DOESN'T get that.
"I'm a person who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."
(Pardon me for quoting "Sex and the City," but I thought it was one of the best lines ever spoken on TV.)
I thought I had that, once. I hope I really do find it, though I realize I might not.
But I hope I don't settle for anything less.
posted by terry @ 3:36 PM
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At 04 June, 2006 16:10,
Mouthy Girl said...
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At 04 June, 2006 16:17,
terry said...
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At 04 June, 2006 17:23,
sassinak said...
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At 04 June, 2006 19:28,
Anonymous said...
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At 04 June, 2006 19:54,
Michelle said...
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At 04 June, 2006 20:17,
terry said...
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At 04 June, 2006 21:16,
Anonymous said...
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At 05 June, 2006 01:16,
DZER said...
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At 05 June, 2006 09:23,
terry said...
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At 05 June, 2006 09:26,
DZER said...
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At 05 June, 2006 09:48,
terry said...
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At 05 June, 2006 18:01,
sassinak said...
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At 06 June, 2006 07:26,
terry said...
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At 06 June, 2006 14:53,
sassinak said...
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At 06 June, 2006 15:12,
cadbury_vw said...
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At 06 June, 2006 18:51,
terry said...
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At 06 June, 2006 20:51,
Jon said...
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At 06 June, 2006 20:57,
terry said...
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Ahh journaling. Good stuff, woman! I envy your ability to go back and read your very personal perception of the angst and trouble you were steeped in when your marriage was flailing in deep waters. I still find myself to go back and read my words, even if I know certain parts of my journals cite good times.
Settling? Never. Ever. Don't give in. Don't allow others to determine your worth. Nope.
As for your ass...I've got a big ass. I used to care all too much about it. A couple of weeks ago I forced myself to look at a picture of myself from three years ago before I'd lost an ounce of weight.
I can now say that if I never lose another pound, I have a good ass.
BG, the funny thing is that much of the time, others put a higher worth on me than i do. how fucked up is THAT?
journals. never thought i'd get into them, but they have been tremendously valuable...both mid-angst, and later, looking back.
my ass. yeah. well, clearly i need to work on that, but i am also so much more than the size of my ass. we all are.
though sometimes, i AM an ass.. ! ;)
terry: is it weird if i tell you i'm proud of you?
cause i am.
and you are btw... you're totally the shit. and whether your ass is fat or not? who fucking cares? :)
I'm with sassinak....I am so proud of you! I have always thought of you as a very strong independent woman who can stand up to anything...and anyone.
You are one truly awesome woman and you had better not settle for anything less.
Love ya sweetie!
Girl...you rock!! Do not EVER "settle"...you deserve that "sex in the city quote" kinda love....AND you will get it :) This was an awesome post! :)
aw, sass, that's sweet. thank you. i'm actually a little proud of myself for finally starting to FEEL something i've been telling myself for years and years.
jeannette, darling, thank you. the strong and independent thing is certainly the side of me i WANTED people to see, but definitely haven't always been. and still am not.
and i'm sure this is all a little weird for you to read, since you know us both...but this is my blog! he can tell his own story elsewhere.
chelle, thank you. i'm not so sure i'll get it, but i definitely know what i DON'T want.
mama...
how powerful you are. i'm smiling.
that's all i'm going to say.
much love.
settling for less always sucks.
I say, go for the young bandboys while you have the chance, before Mr. Right snaps you up! heh
bobo, thank you. for all your support all these years. i don't know what i'd do without you!
dzer, settling definitely sucks. seems like a lot of people do it.
the young bandboys have already come and gone. that was fun while it lasted....
terry: ahhh ... but did you come before they were gone? heh
DZER!!
i was at work!!
and my conduct at work is always completely professional (and not anything like the world's oldest profession).
(i can hear my co-workers laughing now...)
*lmao*
i hear that one ... sure my conduct is professional... if you're a professional surfer.
sass, are you casting aspersions on my professionalism??
sheesh.
heh.
nope, MINE!
*lmao*
my friend at work and i talked about our respective marriages. she has since separated from her husband (kids are grown).
I said to her about my marriage "Even if I'm alone, at least then I'll have hope that I will find that amazing consuming love and emotion, but if I'm with her, I may be comfortable, but I will never find it."
She said that was the final reason she chose to end things - she wasn't prepared to accept just good enough or comfortable.
When you say: "I thought I had that, once. I hope I really do find it, though I realize I might not.
But I hope I don't settle for anything less."
It shows tremendous strength.
In previous posts you said that you don't bother continuing dating unless you have real interest, so it shows that you are not accepting just any entreaty from just anyone. You are being true to yourself.
I admire you.
cadbury, thank you. that's really sweet, what you wrote.
and i must say... there aren't all that many entreaties to accept, either...but that's another issue....!
but yeah... far better lonely alone than lonely together. i've done the lonely together -- it's hideous.
It's taken me a couple years, and I have done the dating as if settling, but it always hits me that if I stay with that person that is what I would be doing. On the other hand I don't want the trophy wife on my arm either. People thought that was what I was going for last year, but so not the case.
You deserve the best Terry. I admire you so much for what you came through and the person that you are.
and also, jon, i think different people want different things out of relationships. some people are just fine with what's comfortable... you know?
and not that i want to be UNcomfortable...i just can't imagine spending much time with someone i didn't love with all my heart, on every level.
and i don't think a "trophy wife" would generate much passion or devotion. not over the long term. but i know that's not what you're looking for.
thank you for your sweet words.
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