Dork-o-Rama: The Random Thoughts of a Total Goofball

Embracing the Dork Side....Because Life is Too Short to Take Yourself Too Seriously

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Greetings from Disco Trickz...

Your Pimp Name Is...
Disco Trickz

Notes from a Dorky road trip...

Worst traffic jam:
Los Angeles, of course. As usual, I had incredible timing, and hit the L.A. basin at the height of the evening commute last Monday, then spent 45 minutes going about ten miles on the 405 (aren't you impressed that even though I no longer live in SoCal, I know you're supposed to put a "the" in front of every freeway number? the 101. the 5. the 210. the silliness.). This, as people were waiting for me just a few miles away so we could go out to dinner. It ended up taking me more than seven hours just to get to Kimmy's house in L.A., a drive that should have taken 5 1/2 or 6 hours at most. Good thing I wasn't continuing on to San Diego that night, or I'd have had to hurt someone.

Best tunes to distract me from the hideousness of the L.A. traffic:
Duran Duran, Green Day, and of course, the Dave Matthews Band. The three-disc live CD set from last year's free Golden Gate Park concert. I like to pretend I can hear myself cheering, since I was there.

Most surprising traffic jam:
The big slowdown I hit in San Clemente (southern Orange county, very early on the drive) yesterday, where there's NEVER a tie-up...but it's not every day you see seven cars smashed up by the side of the road, either. That also wins the prize for Most troubling sight.

Most annoying traffic jam:
The Bay Bridge mess last night. See, it's the eastbound deck that's supposed to be tied up during the evening commute... not the westbound deck. It's really special, after about 7 1/2 hours on the road, to be about 25 minutes from home, stuck in unexpectedly heavy traffic...just sitting there... yearning to be home...

Best music to distract me from Bay Area traffic ick:
Barenaked Ladies, and, of course, Dave.

Oddest musical moment:
Hearing Journey's "Lights" on the radio while stopped on the freeway in L.A. Since the song talks about SF and all. (Okay, it struck ME as odd.)

Weirdest sign:
"JAMDAT." This, on a tall building in L.A. WTF?? There's a company by that name? What IS it?

Most annoying sign:
The one saying the bathroom at a rest stop in the Central Valley was closed for cleaning. The sign directed users to the other women's bathroom...WHICH WAS CLOSED AT THE SAME TIME FOR CLEANING!! Again, WTF?? And of course, the cleaning crew was composed of...MEN. Here's a tip for you men: do NOT get between a woman with a full bladder and a bathroom.

Most boneheaded move on my part:
Putting my hair up yesterday in a clip that I'd cleverly placed in about the same spot as the headrest hits my head. Oh-so-comfortable. I spent much of the drive adjusting and readjusting. And adjusting some more.

Most boneheaded move, narrowly averted:
While on my way to SoCal, I nearly took the northbound freeway ramp after a stop for coffee. It's not like you can just go up to the next exit and easily turn around, since the next exit is, oh, about 45 miles away.

Prettiest sight:
Sunset on the Grapevine last Monday evening. It was all orange and red and purple. Really quite spectacular. And I nearly drove off the road trying to take a picture of it at 65 mph.

Best road food:
In-N-Out Burger. You have no idea how happy I was when they opened one in the middle of the Central Valley, almost smack-dab in the middle of the route between Here and There.

Most annoying driver:
Random Braking Man, who, on the Altamont Pass (east of SF), kept hitting his brakes for no apparent reason. Maybe he was hallucinating. Maybe he should have gotten the hell off the road.

Biggest disappointment:
The rain in the Bay Area last night. I'd been hoping that the rain would be heaviest while I was on the freeway, so it would wash off some of the road gunk my car collected. You know, like a free car wash! Heavy rain + high speed = good enough for now. All it did was rain enough to make a paste of the bug guts and carcasses on my windshield. The hardest rain came as soon as I got into the city, just in time for me to get soaked while unloading my car.

Number of bugs that committed suicide on my car:
Uh, maybe a million or so? Seriously. My car was covered, especially on the southbound trip, when it was really warm. I cleaned the windshield when I stopped to get gas, and I swear, it was covered again about five minutes later. What, was I driving through a veil of bugs?

Worst "back to reality" moments today:
A tie: the alarm going off this morning; and spending 35 minutes this afternoon trying to get my flippin' mail from the goddamned post office.

More on the vacation itself in a future post...

You know what sucks?

Being sick during the holidays.

Usually, I am sick ON one of the major holidays, which makes me a really fun Thanksgiving guest.
"Oh... sorry.... I didn't mean to hack up a piece of my lung onto your green bean casserole."

This year, I was healthy when I left town. I've come home with some icky sinus/throat thing.

I suppose I should be glad I wasn't completely ill DURING my vacation this time...

And tomorrow... flu shots! At work! Whee.

(Do I sound a little delirious? I think it's the Alka Seltzer Cold medicine talking.)

Monday, November 28, 2005

Question of the day...

What do you have to do to get a freeway rest stop named for you?

And is that REALLY an honor?

I'm home! Details of my trip to come once I get settled back into my life again.
Hope y'all had a good holiday.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Quote of the day...

"I just threw up in my mouth a little."

-- Cindy's 15 year old daughter Sierra, who was speaking literally, and not figuratively, the way most of us do when using that phrase....

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Road trip!

It's time for my annual Thanksgiving visit to SoCal for fun and frivolity with great friends.

First, I'm off to L.A. for a visit with Kimmy and Guppy. Yes, those are people. Adults, even. Two good friends from high school. I don't remember why we started calling Kim "Kimmy," but once you start, you can't stop. (Hey, her family calls her Bobo.)
And Gup's real name is Anne, but once she told us her father used to call her Guppy, we couldn't help ourselves. (Imagine this scene: a group of 40-year-old women are in various parts of a Las Vegas casino, when one calls out "KIMMY! GUPPY!" to round 'em up. No, we're not freaks or anything.)

You've read about Kimmy before, when she came to visit me during the summer.
I've known the Gupster since 4th grade, but didn't know her well until our People to People High School Student Ambassador Program (yes. i was a "student ambassador." stop laughing.) trip to Europe during the summer before our senior year of high school. My fondest memories of her on that trip involve her stealing my pillow in the dead of night while I was sleeping on it (we often had to share beds on that trip), and spending most of our day in Barcelona searching for the proper Lladro figurines to bring back to her mother. And having a hard time finding the way back to our hotel. Oh, and the singing. How could I forget Guppy's show tunes on the bus? Once we saw "Evita" in London, I think that's all she sang. Good times.

After an evening with them, I'm off to San Diego, which is where I grew up. And a place where I could never live again (more on that in a future post). But there are people there whom I dearly love: my friend Cindy and her family. Cindy was convinced I was going to refer to her clan as the Clampetts here, but that's way off the mark. They're fun, generous and loving people who have graciously allowed me to horn in on their Thanksgiving dinners since my mom moved away several years ago.

I met Cindy at my very first radio job waaaaaay back when. In 1984. (Oh my GOD, I'm old.)
That was before she knew her husband, even. When the stations consolidated staffs and cut several jobs, Cindy and I kept ours, and she was convinced that was because "we both have vaginas." Somehow, I knew then that we'd be friends forever. She's like the sister I've never had, and will be completely embarassed by my mentioning how much she does for other people. She is, by far, the most generous person I know, and a great mother to four children -- one of whom is biologically hers. The others are her nieces and nephew, who are really lucky to have her in their life. As am I. There's probably no one else in the world who could convince me it's a good idea to get up at 4:30 a.m. on the Friday after Thanksgiving to go shopping...but because of her, I'm a veteran now. I can't wait for my free ornament from J.C. Penney!

Some of my friends think I'm nuts for taking this trip by car, but it's a road trip I've made countless times since I moved north for college, and I kinda like it.
"But highway 5 is so BOOOOORING," they say.
Yeah, but in an entertaining kind of way. When else do you get to see the "towns" of Buttonwillow, Mettler, and Arvin? All that's visible from 5 is gas stations and fast food eateries.... so I have no idea if there ARE towns there. Then there's that lovely aroma of massive amounts of cow shit as you drive through Kettleman City. Ooh.
The key is to equip yourself with the proper snacks, and all your favorite CDs, so you can sing at the top of your lungs while dodging the 18-wheelers and deciding which rest stops you'll visit. Trust me, I'll make it fun. And I'll tell you about it after I get back.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!

Friday, November 18, 2005


Cars really DO run better after an oil change and lube job. And with properly inflated tires.

We are having such freakish weather here. It's been in the mid-to-upper 70s for days now.
In SF.
I was out running errands tonight in a T-shirt and shorts. I can't even do that in the middle of summer.
My mom tells me it's blue coat time in Wisconsin already. This means it's cold enough there that she needs to break out her fabulously warm coat that's a lot like the best comforter you've ever had. With a hood that's got fluffy trim.

I kinda feel guilty, roasting here in my overheated apartment... (See, I have lots of windows, and when it's warm and sunny, it's a lot like a terrarium in here. But just wait -- it won't be long before I'm whining about how freaking cold it is in my apartment...because of the draftiness... and the largely ineffectual radiator...)


Yippee skippee!

And after today... I don't work again until the 29th.
Yes. That's right. The 29th.
More on my plans in a future post, as right now, I'm just trying to get through the day in my current state of not having had enough sleep during the past three nights.
And then there was the tequila. We had a marvy Margarita Thursday, where I gave many thanks for cheap cocktails.
The morning after isn't always all that fun, but I'm sure the sleep deprivation is the real problem.

Thursday, November 17, 2005



It's bad enough we have to see this disgusting critter on TV....but today, every time I check my (yahoo) e-mail, I have to see this grody, diseased toe that looks like it's been gnawed on.

Do these ads REALLY sell this toe fungus-killing crap?? I don't know anyone who isn't grossed out by them.

I'll tell you one thing: if I ever get a toe infection, I'm not buying this shit. Gaaaah.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


This is damned funny. Don Asmussen is a god. In fact, if you have some time, scroll down on that page and check out his archives.

And I needed that laugh today. I had the commute from hell.
The bus that comes before mine never showed up, so mine -- which was late -- was extra-crowded and juicy.
Then, it died about halfway through my commute... though the driver didn't bother to say anything to us. We all just sat there for a couple of minutes, thinking the driver just needed to re-attach the overhead wires, until another bus pulled up, and everyone started jumping ship.
Now we have three busloads of people on one vehicle. Yummy. And the driver KEPT PICKING PEOPLE UP, even though there wasn't an inch to spare.
And this process of trying to cram more people onto the moving sardine can made us even later. Not a great way to start the day.

I suppose I shouldn't complain; since Miss Cheese has been so diligent about riding her bike to work -- well before sunrise, I might add...isn't that amazing?? -- I've hardly had to take the bus lately. And all the tribulations of this week (damn that Mercury!) will only make me appreciate next week's vacation even more.

I'm just saying.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


I hate the post office.
Well, not the entire institution. MY post office.
Every time I go there, there's a ginormous line, and only two people staffing the counter. So the simple act of picking up a package (which is why I was there yesterday), becomes a major time-sucking ordeal. And of course, once I got my package, the postal worker who retrieved it THEN asked if anyone else was there to pick up a package, allowing THEM to skip the line. Thanks. Thanks a whole lot.

My post office also has the unique talent of "misplacing" my mail whenever I need to put it on vacation hold. I'll show up after a week away, and all they'll have for me is some crap-ass bulk mailers, when I know damned well I'm missing several magazines, and of course, the ubiquitous bills (my wireless provider alone sends me 500 bills a week. or so it seems). It usually takes a good week -- sometimes longer -- for all of my mail to trickle in to my home mailbox.

Once, several years ago, my mail carrier suddenly decided that there was something wrong with the mailboxes for my apartment building, and just stopped delivering our mail. Without telling us. Once we figured out what was going on, we all had to trek over to the post office, every day to get our mail, while the post office and our building managers argued about who had to fix the mailboxes (which didn't seem broken in the first place).
And every day, without fail, they would tell me they had nothing for me. Bullshit, I thought...but I also thought that it might be a federal crime to curse at a postal worker, so I was much more tempered in my response. After about a week of this, I asked to speak to a manager, and explained that there was no way on God's green earth that I could have no mail for a solid week, so she finally did a little digging.
You know where my mail was? THE VACATION HOLD SECTION!!!

So after my delightful jaunt to hell yesterday, I did a little laundry. Guess what I heard at the laundromat? CHRISTMAS MUSIC! Yes, our local, treacly "lite* rock, less talk" station is already playing Christmas music, 24-7. It's wrong. Wrong. WRONG.
And what's worse is I now have a Christmas carol stuck in my head. On November 15th. It's going to be a loooong holiday season for me...

*i hate that kind of spelling. lite. nite. krazy. aagh. they didn't call me terry dictionary for nothin'.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Quote of the day....

"If daylight is broad... what is nighttime?"

-Tom, news editor extraordinaire

A Heartbreaking Post of Staggering Randomness...*

Note to self: it's never a good idea to try to fix your messy home manicure after a couple of glasses of wine.
Especially when you can't draw (or paint) a straight line even when you're sober.

What the hell is wrong with Fox? They've opted not to pick up the full season of "Arrested Development," which I think is one of the funniest shows on TV. It's simply brilliant. But it requires you to actually pay close attention, and that, perhaps, is its downfall. I guess we don't want to have to pay attention to what we watch on TV.
I'm going to be quite peeved if they cancel it at the end of the season...

My right arm is KILLING ME. I smacked my funny bone last week so hard that it left a bruise, and I have a repetitive stress injury that affects my entire right forearm -- everything is always inflamed -- so it HURTS LIKE HELL. And there ain't nothing funny about the funny bone.

And this just doesn't seem right: I ordered something online (on sale, of course) and I got taxed not only for the purchase, but for the SHIPPING as well. Doesn't that seem like a scam?

*with apologies to Dave Eggers

Sunday, November 13, 2005

All weekends should be three days long...

In fact, this one's been so nice, I'm going to try to pretend that Shrub and Bill O'Reilly didn't just make some of the most moronic comments of the year.

Friday's whirlwind tour of the city with my friend Sherri and her kids was fun...except for the rain that wasn't in anyone's forecast. So glad I didn't have any of my 400 umbrellas with me. Then again... when was the last time you rode a carousel in the rain?
It was also amusing to learn that Sherri's 13-year-old daughter has a beau. I feel very, very old....
We'd also wished we had a dollar for every USC sweatshirt we saw -- didn't realize the Trojans were in town this weekend for a game at Cal. Apparently, their entire fan base was in the city on Friday.

That night, I went to the North American premiere of Cirque du Soleil's latest show, "Corteo." It was amazing. Truly. I don't know how they come up with their ideas, nor how these performers do what they do. The only problem was that my regular theatre date Patti and I had recently seen another troupe, Cirque d'Eloize, that pokes a little fun at Cirque du Soleil in its amazing show, "Rain," so it was hard not to snicker at some of the more high-concept moments of "Corteo." We also went to the after-party, thinking we were so cool to be able to go. Guess what? The party was not so cool. Just a large throng, hanging out, waiting for something interesting to happen. It didn't, so we bailed after a little while (and a couple of free cocktails, of course).

Last night, my pal Cynthia and I saw a local sketch comedy group, Killing My Lobster, which was hilarious. That's another thing that amazes me -- people who are able to write and perform really funny material. And do it twice a night.

A lovely weekend. And back to the grind tomorrow.
(I shouldn't complain; this is the only full week I'm working this month....)

Thursday, November 10, 2005


I have failed.

You see, the delightful Stephen Colbert is coming to San Francisco in January for a speaking engagement.
I was trying to get him to come into our station for an interview while he's here.
No, I'm not trying to stalk him.
Well, maybe a little.
Not really. This was a serious, professional request. Really.
I would have considered it a major coup if we'd gotten him, because, well, he's grippy.
I just got the big "N-O" from his publicist.
Damn. Damn damn damn.

All is not lost, however. This is Friday for me! I'm taking tomorrow off to play tourist with my friend Sherri and her daughter, Anais, who has lived in the Bay Area for all of her 13 years, and has never done the cable car-Union Square-Fisherman's Wharf thing. Never. It's criminal! So we'll be running around town, eating sundaes at Ghirardelli Square and seeing the sights that we city residents rarely visit, because, well, they're all touristy and stuff.
We'll also be making at stop at the elevator in the St. Francis Hotel, because Anais couldn't quite understand why her mom and I used to ride it for fun when we were poor college students looking to entertain ourselves in a pricey town.

And tomorrow night, I'm going to the opening of Cirque du Soleil's new show, Corteo.
So it may not be Good Friday... but it will be a good Friday for me.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Overheard at work, part II...

"I was going to make you a birthday cake, Grandma, but I went to sleep instead."

(do you get the sense that we talk about food a lot at work? you sense correctly.)

Who's kicking whose ass NOW?

The headline on today's San Francisco Chronicle:

Californians Say No To Schwarzenegger

(if only they'd said no to him two years ago, in the recall election....)

It's so rare for me to wake up on the morning after an election with a smile.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha HA!

What a waste of money, this election that no one but Arnie wanted. Asshat.
Here's hoping we can get this clown out of office next year.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Overheard at work...

"We're going to have such a party tomorrow! Hey, do you want me to bring muffins?"
(said with great enthusiasm)

Sure, I say... I'm sure everyone would love that.

(moments later....)
"I'm not going to."

Monday, November 07, 2005

Ho ho NO!

I refuse to accept Christmas commercials on TV on NOVEMBER 7TH!
I can ignore the holiday displays, since they've been in the stores since August.
But Christmas music? A week after Halloween?
No. Nuh-uh.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Yet another reason I love living here..

Wine country.
Especially on a gorgeous fall Saturday.
A short drive, and you're in a different world of winding country roads and beautiful rural(ish) scenery.
And you get to drink! Yummy wines! And port! With abandon, when your friend is driving.

Aside from the one larger winery I love that was simply overrun with visitors (seriously. we were in something like the second auxiliary parking lot! and then had to WAIT TO TASTE. so wrong), it was a perfect day. Love those smaller, off-the-beaten-path places where the person pouring the wine might turn out to be the winemaker.

Friday, November 04, 2005

It's the humility, stupid...

I'm not very good at asking for help. Not at work, and not in my personal life.

Somewhere along the line, I got it into my head that it's a sign of weakness if I need to ask someone to help me with something (though I don't think that other people are weak when they ask ME for help....). Plus, there's an element of childish ego at play, as in "I can do it all by myself!" Still. At the age of 41.

And when someone DOES help me, even with the smallest of tasks, there's a part of me that feels shame, like I shouldn't have needed any help. Truly, it's difficult for me.

So my recent financial crisis has been a real learning experience. Not only did I have to come right out and ask for help (thanks, Mom!), I allowed myself to accept help from friends who offered it. And I don't think I can properly express how touched I am. It may sound silly, but it's really warmed my heart. The cups of coffee. The cocktails. The offers of cash, from those I know are just as strapped as I am. The gift certificate for a mani/pedi. The brainstorming. And especially the listening and commiserating.

There are so many times I feel like I'm completely alone in this world, but I know now that I am not. I have such amazing people in my life. I really do. Lucky, lucky me!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

An evil holiday...

Hallowe'en should be banned.

My concern is not the pagan-worship blah blah blah aspect of the day. Nor am I terribly bothered by the pressure to come up with a clever costume.

No, my problem is the piles of leftover candy that end up at work.

I know. Just say no. Mind over matter. I have the power.
And in truth, I'm allergic to a lot of it, so much of the time, I can just ignore it.

But today, a bunch of candy turned up that contains no gluten...and I think I've had about 500 little pieces of chocolate. Give or take 100. My tastebuds have been numbed by all the sugar.

Hey, can I just say I've been experimenting to see how I'll react to chocolate, since I seemed to be having some issues last week?
That's it! I'm stuffing my face with mini Three Musketeers and Hershey bars in the name of science.

Yeah. I think I know what that "battle" mentioned in my horoscope was about -- me and my willpower.

Well, the "good" news is that I don't feel like puking, like I did last week....
I guess that's good...

Oh, GREAT...

My horoscope for today:

"You might want to put your suit of armor on as soon as you roll out of bed this morning, TERRY. There is an all-out battle raging out there, and it may seem like everyone has picked you as their main target. Be careful of escalating the issue even more by becoming defensive about the situation without first understanding the full scope of the matter. It could be that everything is coming to a climax simply because there is one slight misunderstanding."


Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Deep thought of the day...

It's dangerous -- or at the very least, messy -- to watch "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" while eating dinner.

I had to stop before I choked, I was laughing so hard.

Good times.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

An ethical dilemma...

The scene: a major national department store, where you can buy everything from lingerie to gardening tools.
I was there yesterday to stock up on exciting essentials like deodorant, soap, shampoo and the like.

I spotted a really cute coat that's everything I've been looking for this season, and, at $69.99, it's $50-100 cheaper than similar coats I've been eyeing in the catalogues I get. I hadn't really budgeted for it, but experience tells me that when you see something like this, you'd better buy it... because it probably won't be there the next time you set foot in the store. So I decide to cut other items from my shopping list to make room for it. Cool.

When I got to the cash register, I opted not to put the Fabulous New Coat on the grody conveyer belt, because, well, it's my FNC, and I don't need any leaking food or motor oil getting on it. But I started to hand it to the cashier, and she motioned for me to put it back down in my cart.... indicating she'd scan it last. I go to swipe my card, and when the total comes up, it's wrong. She hadn't charged me for the coat. I point this out, hand the coat to her again, and she scans it. I have to swipe my card again, for some I did that, then started fishing around for my keys and stopped paying attention to the transaction.

It wasn't until I got into my car and checked the receipt -- to make sure I hadn't been charged twice, since I swiped twice -- that I realize that I still hadn't been charged for the coat.

Here is my question: should I have gone back in to ask them -- for a third time -- to charge me for the coat? Am I now a shoplifter? Have I just invited some bad karma into my life?

What would you have done?