Dork-o-Rama: The Random Thoughts of a Total Goofball

Embracing the Dork Side....Because Life is Too Short to Take Yourself Too Seriously

Monday, July 31, 2006

Paging Stacy and Clinton...

I've been doing some clothes shopping of late. Since I'm about to start a new job, I feel the need to class things up a bit. I'm still working in a casual atmosphere, but since I'm coming in as a manager (!), I'm thinking fewer jeans (unless they're the very black ones that can pass for real trousers) and sequins, and maybe some more professional attire. Even some suity-type clothes are probably in order.

But this is a challenge with a teeny budget and a not-so-teeny ass. It's a challenge when you're at least one and usually two sizes smaller on top than on the bottom... and when your waist is much smaller than your hips. I can't tell you how many pairs of "nicer" pants I tried on this weekend that didn't even come close to fitting -- you know, the waistband is nowhere near your waist, but hangs very low on your ass. Unintentional low-rise pants. Uh, NO.

I tried on a suit that was on sale for $60, in a really cute color and fabric... and not only was the jacket too big, but the skirt was waaaaay too long. A totally unflattering length. Yeah, I could have had it altered, and if I'd really loved it, I might have, but that sort of defeats the point of the $60 price tag... (See, it's going to be a month before I get a paycheck with my new salary, so I'm still pinching pennies for now.)

Shoes are challenging, too, because I have big feet. It's hard to find size 11 shoes, especially if you're hoping to find them at a good price at a discount joint or outlet store.

And it doesn't help that every time I try something on, I have Stacy and Clinton in my head, telling me What Not to Wear! If they're going to do that, the least they could do is come help me. And bring me a $5000 Visa card with my name on it...

*However, I did find a great leather jacket yesterday. I've been searching for years for one that I liked and could afford, so that makes me very happy. Even though I was trying it on in 90 degree heat...

Friday, July 28, 2006

I'm so weird...

Sometimes, when I get a notion into my head, I can't let go of it until I've done something about it. I'm impatient that way.

For instance... while lying in bed one day this week (a luxury, during this unexpected time off...!) I was looking at one of the small bookcases in my bedroom that also serves as a nightstand, and noticed how many books I've had in it for years and years that I've not read yet, and probably never will.

"I should get rid of those," I thought. "I should get rid of all the books I'll never read, or have read and will never read again. Even the ones I've started and never finished, because they were boring."

And I decided I needed to do something about it RIGHT AWAY. Several times over the last couple of days, I've perused my various bookcases, taking note of the things I don't want anymore.

But I can't bear to just throw books away. It seems like such a waste. I love books. Even the ones I don't like have some value to someone, right?

But anytime I've taken batches of books to a couple of local used bookstores, they haven't wanted them. Maybe two or three out of 20, at most. And I'm still left shlepping around a bunch of unwanted books that I can't just throw in the trash.

So I often take my neglected books to my local Goodwill store. Yay, charity!

Okay, but here's the thing: whenever I take anything in there to donate, the people who work there look at me with dead eyes and take forever to take charge of what I've brought in. Mind you, I don't expect them to drop to the floor and kiss my feet for bringing in my cast-off clothing or kitchenware or books I won't read. No, just some acknowledgement that I am a human and I have some stuff to donate, that's all.

Mind you, it's not easy to find parking withing a reasonable distance, so there's that, too. I don't need to park four blocks away to haul a stack of books in.

So I don't go there when the store is open anymore. I've taken to leaving my crap -- uh, I mean, DONATIONS -- outside their front door at night, despite all the signage urging me not to. The new sign (that I saw last night, during my latest nocturnal drop-off) even says something about how it's illegal to litter.


Can you imagine being cited for something like that? "Sorry, officer, I didn't mean to leave all those messy BOOKS out there. They just jumped out of my trunk... neatly piled in three grocery bags...."

Luckily, I escaped the scene of the crime without getting caught. And now I feel compelled to reorganize all of my bookcases.

As I said... I'm weird.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

As requested...

Behold the Sad Bunny, as mentioned in my last post.

He was created by the lovely, talented and always thoughtful Miss Cheese for my birthday last year.

Cute, no?

(I had to take him out of his lovely frame to scan him properly. The scan in the frame didn't do him justice.)

I might have to put it on my desk in my new office (! Me...with an office...! That's just... I don't have the word for it. It's unreal.).

Have I mentioned how much I'm loving hula class? He's kicking our asses each week, but I love it. LOVE it.

And tonight, in addition to a challenging new step, we learned our first chant. As I said to Rebecca, we're supposed to dance AND chant? When does the breathing happen??

We haven't even gotten to the hands/arms yet. Oh boy.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006


5 Things always in my purse/briefcase/backpack:

Lipgloss/lip balm
Tampons (sorry, fellas, it's a fact of life!)
Cough drops
Lactase tablets

5 Things always in my wallet:

Driver's license
Triple A card
Safety pins (never know when you might need to make an emergency clothing repair)
ATM/debit card
Spare car key
(notice "cash" isn't on this list....)

5 Things always in my refrigerator:

Milk (lactose free)
Some kind of cheese (usually several)
Cosmo fixings (except for the vodka, which lives in the freezer)

5 Things (at least) always in my closet:

Two boxes of stuffed animals I can't bring myself to get rid of
Some 200 record albums I can't bring myself to get rid of. Music. Vinyl. Remember that?

5 Things always in my car:

Several CDs
Maps of different parts of California and the Bay Area
Tire pressure gauge
Extra motor oil, anti-freeze, and water

5 Things always on my desk: (at home, since I don't have a work desk at the moment!)

A rock a friend painted with a special message
The Sad Bunny painting Miss Cheese made for my birthday last year
A pile of unpaid bills and assorted papers I should file but am too lazy to get to
A picture of my friend Sherri, her husband, and me having dinner at a fancy fondue joint
A picture of Kimmy, Guppy, Julie and me on Splash Mountain at Disneyland (the same one you saw here in January)

5 People to tag

Anyone who wants to do this!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

My new toy...

It was my going-away gift from my now-former employer.

I'm now part of the 21st Century! I really AM moving up in the world.

So yeah, there were some tears on my part, and lots of nice things said by the boss and my former colleagues. And cake. Gluten-free, of course. And then a yummy lunch with Miss Cheese and Miss Angela and the adorable young Luke.

It still hasn't all sunk in yet. I'm not sure it will until I start the new gig. And there's another party to come, one off the premises where cocktails will be consumed.

In the meantime, I'll be playing with my fabulous new toy!

Monday, July 24, 2006

Road trip!

Apparently, everything in my life is on fast-forward all of a sudden.

One minute, I'm filling my friend Sherri in on my new job, and a few hours later, she's calling me to invite me on a short little trip to Lake Tahoe. She was planning to drive up yesterday to drop her daughter off at camp, and planned to stay the night in the area, in order to avoid the hideous traffic out of the region on Sunday afternoons/evenings. And since I'd just told her I was... uh... NOT WORKING at the moment (I still can't get used to that!)... she thought I should go.

So I did!

We hit the road at 0-dark-hundred (as my young friend Sierra would say) yesterday, and made it up there in about four hours (after an interesting detour in some abandoned business park in a Sacramento suburb, looking for a place where I could pee)... drove around the lake a bit, had lunch, found a place for Sherri and me to stay, then dropped her daughter Anais off.

Sher and I then headed back to the Driftwood Lodge -- which sounds like something charming and rustic, but is really a bit old and shabby... though it was clean, had comfy beds, a nice pool, excellent water pressure in the shower and a fantastic location, right near tons of stuff, so what else do you need?? -- and spent some time cooling off in the pool. It's been very hot in the Bay Area of late, especially where Sherri lives, and was mighty hot and muggy in the mountains, so a little pool time was restorative.

We were both hankering for a yummy dinner -- she, because of a very stressful few days at work, and me, because I haven't really had a chance to celebrate my new job yet. We found a good place that we could walk to, so we went all out. Prime rib, salmon, and a yummy bottle of wine (a Kenwood Pinot Noir, in case you were wondering... YUM.). Dinner was excellent

We then thought it might be funny to head to one of the big hotel-casinos for a cocktail, if we could find a cheesy lounge...(okay, that was probably my idea, knowing me... but Sherri was game...)...

Well, we found a bar next to the casino that was cheesy-lame as opposed to cheesy-funny, and the bartender made us some lame cosmos, so we left after that. We headed back home today, after picking Anais up in the morning, because.... well, it's a long story, but suffice it to say that the camp was not all it should have been and the supervision was non-existent and she wasn't comfortable.

It was great fun. I wasn't expecting to have time -- and I definitely don't have the money -- to go anywhere this week, during this unexpected vacation -- so it was just a fabulous little getaway.

And tomorrow is the "official" work farewell, where I expect to shed more dorky tears, but you've come to expect that by now, yes?

Friday, July 21, 2006

And the tide turns...

Remember all my disappointment last month about my job situation? When I didn't get the promotion I'd hoped for?


I've landed a bigger and better job with a different company. A competitor.

I will have my own office. With a door that closes. And my own parking spot. No more Muni commutes to work! And of course, more money. It's a significant raise for me.

Me, a manager...! Shocking, I know. My head's spinning a little. No, a lot.

Even moreso because yesterday, the day I gave my two weeks notice, turned out to be my last day at the place where I've worked for 19 years. Apparently, after the last departure for the competition (by the guy who is now my new boss!), there was some chatter among the highers-up outside our department about whether it was appropriate to let him continue working there after he'd signaled he was leaving.

So that's why they cut me loose at the end of the day yesterday. Which turned out to be one of the most surreal days of my life.

One minute I was giving notice, then a few hours later, I was finishing my last shift without knowing it. Without anyone knowing it, except my bosses.

The good thing is that I'll get paid for the next two weeks, and have more of a break between the old job and the new job than I'd planned.

But the bad thing is that I leave behind many dear friends and I'm very sad I won't be seeing them every day. I'm not so good with goodbyes, as I've already mentioned. I go back in on Tuesday for a little farewell party and to clear out my stuff. And to cry some more, because apparently I didn't do enough of that yesterday when people were saying really nice things about me.

The whole thing is bittersweet, but it's really great in the big picture. Really great. Really, really, fucking great.

Funny how life works.

It's my blogaversary!

Or should that be "blogiversary?"

No matter. I'm just amused that it's been a whole year already since I started this silliness.

For those of you who missed it, this is how it all started.

Ah, the brilliance. The incisiveness.


Anyway. I started blogging so that I could have a little outlet where I could write about stuff other than the ickiness I write about at work.

I never imagined it would bring me new friends around the world.

Thanks, y'all!

Monday, July 17, 2006

I hate when that happens...

You know... when you have an important conversation, and later, you second-guess everything you said? And wish you'd said this thing or that thing?

I hate that.

The other thing I hate? People who use power tools early in the morning.

I have a couple of days off from work (and gosh, was my timing ever perfect -- we're having gooooorgeous weather) and was looking forward to sleeping in a bit (though anything after 4:30 or 5 a.m. constitutes "sleeping in" for me, during the week...) when I was awakened by the sound of some fucking obnoxiously loud saw-type device being used directly across from my bedroom window at 7:30 a.m.

I'm sorry, but that shit ain't right. 7:30? I could even see 8, as an early start.

But 7:30?? A.M.?? No.

Later, when I went for a walk and saw one of the workmen hosing down the sidewalk endlessly, I was tempted to go over and ask what the fuck was up... but then I thought I might be inviting an earlier start time tomorrow.

Although if they're making that much noise that early tomorrow morning, I might stomp out there in my pajamas, with bedhead and no makeup, and THEN they'll be sorry.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Me me me meme time...

Finally getting around to this one... It actually requires more thought than most memes!

Here's how it works. If you'd like me to "do" you (not that way!) just say so, and I'll do this:

1. i’ll respond with something random about you
2. i’ll challenge you to try something
3. i’ll pick a color that i associate with you
4. i’ll tell you something i like about you
5. i’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. i’ll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. i’ll ask you something i’ve always wanted to ask you
8. if i do this for you, you must post this on yours

I first saw this over on Sass's blog, and here's what she said about me:

1. i’ll respond with something random about you

i love that you have anthony bourdain's phone number AND aren't using it.

Shoot... what DID I do with that number? Heh. I know exactly where it is. And I'll never use it!

2. i’ll challenge you to try something

i challenge you not to allow yourself to say mean things to yourself about any part of yourself for at least ten days.and that if you do you say 'now terry, you know that talking about yourself that way is terrible for your self esteem'(crap is that too personal?)

This is not too personal at all. And I've actually tried to meet this challenge. I'm even trying to keep my inner critic quiet. I've had mixed results... but it's an excellent challenge!

3. i’ll pick a color that i associate with you


My favorite color.

4. i’ll tell you something i like about you

your writing style and your optimism.

That is a huge compliment. And I think I often lack in optimism....! I'm trying.

5. i’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you

oh man. you were there and around in the comments in my circle and one day i wandered to your profile and loved the name of your blog. it rocks and so does your blog

Another huge compliment.

6. i’ll tell you what animal you remind me of

a porcupine... but your quills aren't as sharp as you think they are.

That Sass is one perceptive woman.

7. i’ll ask you something i’ve always wanted to ask you

why do you say you're your own biggest enemy?

I sabotage myself a lot. That constant inner criticism is a big part of it.

8. if i do this for you, you must post this on yours
do me to me! :)

It will be in comments in moments!

And then Jmai did it too!

1. I’ll respond with something random about you

Your profile photo makes me giggle every time, even after months of following your blog

I don't even remember that pic being taken. Miss Cheese, Miss Angela, her hubby and I were at a big dressy event on my birthday last year, and I was drunkety-drunk-drunk. Can you tell??

2. I'll challenge you to try something

I challenge you to do a local singles night kind of event doing something you enjoy -- like Singles Pottery night, or Single Opera night, or whatever.

Uh, no. I'm not in the right frame of mind right now, for one thing... but even if I were? I'm not sure I could bear that.

3. I’ll pick a color that I associate with you


I'm a big fan of the purple family. Favorite color after red!

4. I’ll tell you something I like about you

Your cool factor. I would so want to hang out if we lived in the same place. I think you'd be a hoot to hang with.

Snort. I am SO not cool. But I'd love hanging with you!!

5. I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you

Your profile photo! Lol.. I love the googly eye face

I believe I was googly over the special light show being displayed on the side of City Hall. I think you can even hear me saying, "Oooh," if you listen closely enough.

6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of

A sea otter and I'm not sure why. But that's what comes to mind.

I love sea otters!

7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you

What precisely is it that you do for a living?

Working in a coal mine, going down down down...

8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours (and do me!)

You bet!

Friday, July 14, 2006

How do you say...

..."Oh my God, my calves are on fire?" in Hawaiian?


Okay, that's not a literal translation. It's the name of one of the new steps we learned in hula class this week, and OH. MY. GOD.

Let me see if I can describe it to you, so that you can fully appreciate what we did. You start in that sort of squatting position I referred to last week (it's called "ha'a") -- it's like a plie, only your feet aren't turned out as much and your knees go straight, and NOT over your feet.

Then you lift one foot, slightly, put it down, then pop your knees out. Repeat on the other side. Don't come out of ha'a. And oh, yeah, don't forget about your hips, which are supposed to move in opposition to your feet.

And when you do it over and over and and over and over over again, in combination with the other step you do in ha'a (that's called "hela")...HOLY SHIT. I thought my calves were going to explode at one point, and I was, again, soaking wet by the end of class.

But I'm loving it. I can't quite describe the feeling I get when I've mastered a step in any style of dance, when it becomes part of my muscle memory, and I can just do it and make it mine without any real thought. I'm nowhere near that yet with anything we've learned, but I love the process. I love moving to music, even though all we're dancing to right now is the ipu heke (it's a double gourd that's used as percussion). And even that is really cool.
(And thank you, Rebecca, for spelling out all these words for our own little glossary!)

I'm so glad we're taking this class. I don't even care that I'm tired on Friday. I'm tired on Fridays no matter what, and this is a really good reason to be tired.

And last night, I ran into a woman in class I knew 100 million years ago in San Diego! I haven't seen her in, I think, 21 years. Wild that she recognized me, even though she didn't remember at first how we knew each other. Small world.

Happy Friday!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Time flies...

...even when you're not having fun.

No, no... no need to be concerned. I'm not having an emotional breakdown. (Not this week, anyway....heh)

Just really, really busy... at work and away from it.

Too busy to blog. Too busy to read my favorite blogs. I feel so out of touch, all of a sudden.

I hate when that happens!

I miss everyone!

I'll be back...

Tuesday, July 11, 2006


The scene: a 17-year old's birthday party, on a recent Saturday afternoon.

The adult guests are (of course) hanging out in the kitchen (with all the food!) chatting and laughing about all kinds of silly stuff.

The younger guests are outside, enjoying the bouncy house.

One ventures inside, to get something to eat.

A short time later, more of the young'uns join her, and start chowing down. They then head back outside a few minutes after that.

One of the adults overheard the first young'un say to the others something to the effect of "And I had to be in here alone with THEM."

We were on the floor, once that was relayed to the rest of us. (Or should I say, "them?")

I'm one of THEM now.

How did THAT happen??

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Could things be looking up?

Your passion and creativity attract all kinds of opportunities from the boardroom to the bedroom. Who knew that accessing your genuine and vital self could lead to all this? Make the most of it while you can.

I'm working on it...

Friday, July 07, 2006

I'm back, baby!

In dance class, that is.

My friend Rebecca, her daughter Laura and I started hula class last night.

And soon, we will all have killer quads, from all the squatting!

Holy crap, that was a million times more challenging than I expected. And I can't remember the last time I've felt so uncoordinated -- maybe when I first started Pilates -- but rarely in a dance class. This is an entirely different style of dance than I'm used to.

I was drenched by the end (I had to turn on my defroster on the drive home, I was so sweaty) and my legs felt like rubber... but it felt great.

It was also really cool to see the diversity in the room. There were dozens of people there -- maybe close to 100, because this teacher (I mean, Kumu....see, I'm learning....!) doesn't do beginner's classes very often -- so there was pent-up demand. And there were people from all walks of life. Older, younger, lighter, darker, bigger, smaller. Men and women. All very friendly.

Not only can I not wait until next week's class, I'm definitely more motivated to get back into regular workout mode, so the class doesn't completely kick my ass again.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

All the other kids are doing it...

1. How tall are you barefoot? 5' 8" (since I was 12!)

2. Favorite movies? Go look at the profile again. I'm too tired to list them all....

3. Do you own a gun? Would YOU trust me with a gun??

4. Who is your biggest enemy? Me.

5. Favorite Scent? Beach bonfires. Gardenias. Plumerias.

6. Do you like hot dogs? Yes. Wish I could find a gluten-free one...

7. What's your favorite Christmas song? "The Christmas Song," as sung by Nat King Cole, and "I'll Be Home for Christmas."

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Water, OJ, and then a Starbucks Mocha. Decaf. Nonfat.

9. Do you do push-ups? No. That would be "exercise," and I haven't done much of that lately.

10. Brothers or sisters? One brother, to whom I am not speaking. I'll tell that story one day soon, but the short version is that he has embezzled a large amount of money from our mother. Nice.

11. What's your most liked piece of jewelry? Probably the cheapie watch I found in New York's Chinatown. It's marcasite. And it only cost me 12 bucks! I need to replace the battery, and I think that might cost more than the watch itself.

12. What do you take for pain relief? Aspirin or Aleve. Or vodka. Heh. Or chocolate.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? Hahahahahahaha. Surely you jest. I have no weapons. There is no luring.

14. Do you own a knife? Just the ones in my kitchen.

15. Do you have A.D.D.? I don't think HEY, look, something shiny!

16. Middle name? I have one.

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment ("this moment," being about 12:15 this afternoon).
- How much longer until I can go home?
- Should I heat my lunch up now, or wait another half hour?
- WHAT is that hideous smell in the area of my workstation?? Smells like rancid feet.

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought.
- A mocha
- My share of our latest workplace Lotto tickets (the jackpot is 110 Million bucks!)
- A yummy dinner with a friend. The one who's leaving.

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.
- Wine
- Ketel One Cosmo
- Water

20. What time did you wake up today? 4:55am. Later than usual.

21. Current worry? Everything. Money, career, future...

22. Current hate? My job. Not my job, per se... my... uh... situation at work.

23. Your favorite place to be? On vacation

24. Least favorite place to be? At work

25. Where would you like to go? Everywhere. Italy. Australia. New Zealand. For starters.

26. Do you own slippers? Yes.

27. What shirt are you wearing? Berry-colored tank top, underneath a black jacket-esque kind of thing.

28. Do you burn or tan? Burn first, then tan.

29. Least favorite color? Brown.

30. Would you be a pirate? Heck, yeah. Especially if I get to hang with Johnny Depp. (I know... everyone says that...!)

31. Last time you had an alcoholic drink? Monday. I had many. And they were gooooood.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower? "Fly Me to the Moon," "Where Did Our Love Go," and a Guster song, "Center of Attention."

33. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? Thunder. I was really afraid of thunder, and anytime we had thunderstorms, I had the same horrible dream.

34. What's in your pockets right now? Lint.

35. Last thing that made you laugh? Uh.... I'm not sure. I'm lucky in that I get to laugh a lot. I'm sure it was something Miss Cheese said this morning. It usually is.

36. Best bed sheets you had as a child? I don't remember having special sheets. Is that weird?

37. Worst injury you've ever had? I once fell through a ceiling and hurt my lower back. I was retrieving a piece of luggage from the attic in the flat in which I was subletting a room one summer and my foot slipped off a beam, and went right through the ceiling. Good times.

38. What is your favorite pet? I'm pretty much a cat person.

39. How many TVs do you have in your house? One.

40. Who is your loudest friend? That's hard to say, as in my crowd, as we're all pretty loud... but this one goes to my friend Anne, the Gupster.

41. Who is your most silent friend? I have no silent friends!

42. Does someone have a crush on you? Ha. No.

43. Do you wish on stars? Yes. I'm still waiting.

44. What is your favorite book? Charlotte's Web.

45. What is your favorite candy? Reese's Peanut Butter cups...but the Trader Joe's version is even better...

46. What song do/did you want played at your wedding? Since I doubt there'll be another one, let's talk about the one I did have: "Love is Here To Stay," my favorite Gershwin song ever. Big mistake, when it all went to shit, and it was years before I could listen to it again without crying...!

47. What song do you want played at your funeral? Who says I want a funeral? Seriously, I've never chosen a funeral song for myself.

48. What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? Trying to sleep. Between my racing mind and the goddamned fireworks in my neighborhood, it was impossible.

49. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? "Fuck. When is my next day off?"

50. Do you have a favorite charity? I have many.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Weepfest 2006...

I have always been really bad at saying goodbye. With endings. With big change.

I'm not entirely sure where that comes from. I've always assumed it has something to do with my father's death, because that was certainly the biggest change of my childhood. I remember that when we left Virginia to move west, about nine months after he died, I had a really hard time with it. I was really sad to leave all that I knew for the unknown, and remember fighting tears on the plane.

And every ending or farewell since then has been really hard for me to handle, even when I know the change is going to be good. I even remember getting weepy at my MIDDLE SCHOOL GRADUATION CEREMONY...! WTF? I hated middle school. It was, hands down, the most difficult time of my adolescence. Why was I sad to see it end?

Leaving San Diego was also really hard for me, even though I really wanted to get the hell out of that place, and had always wanted to live in San Francisco. But I was leaving behind a boyfriend I loved (my now-ex husband), some really great friends, and felt like I was abandoning my mother (it hadn't occurred to me that she might actually LIKE to have the house to herself...!) so I cried about that for weeks. I spent most of the long drive to SF crying.

And now, I've just said farewell to a very dear friend who's moving across the country. I've known him for ages, but we've only gotten close in the last five or six years or so. He's become a trusted confidant and excellent wine-tasting partner.

He's very excited about his move, and I'm happy to see him so happy, but I'm sad for me. Isn't that selfish?

(And this, coming on top of all the other emotional upset of recent weeks... well, that's the reason for the title of this little post.)

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Reality check...

I have been overly indulgent with myself of late. Always with lots of rationalization.

I'm really stressed out! I can have this chocolate.

It's my birthday week! I can have this chocolate.

I'm devastated emotionally! I can have this chocolate.

I'm still devastated and now overwhelmed! I can... well, you get the picture.

And the working out? Yeah. Not so much.

I put on an outfit on the other day that I haven't worn in a couple of months, and lo and behold, some extra chub made itself very apparent. I knew it was there. I can feel it. But it's so easy (at least for me) to ignore or deny when everything else in your life is a mess.

And the irony is not lost on me, that the indulgence intended to make me feel better actually makes me feel worse in the long run. That what I say is me being good to myself if actually me treating myself poorly.

Old habits die hard, even when you think you've got the upper hand on them.

So that stops now. Now that I have returned from a party where I enjoyed many yummy snacks and more cotton candy than I've ever had in my entire life.

The worst part? I feel so shitty about myself that I'm contemplating not seeing an old friend who happens to be in town this weekend. I didn't look like this when I last saw him, years and years ago. (Of course, he's gay. It's not like there's any romantic issue here. That's not the point.)

Because what's the first thing you notice about someone you haven't seen in many years?