Dork-o-Rama: The Random Thoughts of a Total Goofball

Embracing the Dork Side....Because Life is Too Short to Take Yourself Too Seriously

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Reality check...

I have been overly indulgent with myself of late. Always with lots of rationalization.

I'm really stressed out! I can have this chocolate.

It's my birthday week! I can have this chocolate.

I'm devastated emotionally! I can have this chocolate.

I'm still devastated and now overwhelmed! I can... well, you get the picture.

And the working out? Yeah. Not so much.

I put on an outfit on the other day that I haven't worn in a couple of months, and lo and behold, some extra chub made itself very apparent. I knew it was there. I can feel it. But it's so easy (at least for me) to ignore or deny when everything else in your life is a mess.

And the irony is not lost on me, that the indulgence intended to make me feel better actually makes me feel worse in the long run. That what I say is me being good to myself if actually me treating myself poorly.

Old habits die hard, even when you think you've got the upper hand on them.

So that stops now. Now that I have returned from a party where I enjoyed many yummy snacks and more cotton candy than I've ever had in my entire life.

The worst part? I feel so shitty about myself that I'm contemplating not seeing an old friend who happens to be in town this weekend. I didn't look like this when I last saw him, years and years ago. (Of course, he's gay. It's not like there's any romantic issue here. That's not the point.)

Because what's the first thing you notice about someone you haven't seen in many years?

Exactly.

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At 02 July, 2006 05:00, Blogger buddha_girl said...

Yeah, well even though SOME people might first notice a little extra chub, your friend, like you, is a dear person who will love you regardless.

Everyone packs on a few chubs now and then. Food's a 'legal drug.' That's why so many people are a few or many pounds overweight.

Don't beat yourself up, Terry. There are tons of people who will do that willingly. Don't do it to yourself.

See your friend. Have fun, talk, share laughs! That's your official drug this weekend.

*hard hugs*

 
At 02 July, 2006 12:18, Blogger terry said...

this is extra chub. chub on top of pre-existing chub.

and on top of feeling yucky about how i look, i feel yucky about a lot of things going on in my life right now, so i honestly don't think i'm that much fun to hang out with.

my closest pals are doing a fabulous job of putting up with me, though.

i don't know. i'm just not feeling it. but thanks, buddha girl!

 
At 02 July, 2006 12:43, Blogger DZER said...

terry: didja catch my funk? if so ... sorry!

and I always notice how old people are that I haven't seen in a while ;)

 
At 02 July, 2006 15:43, Blogger JMai said...

Ok I have done that before... avoided seeing someone that I haven't seen in a long time just because I'm ashamed of weight gain. And it's terrible. I hope you kept your date after all... friends want to see you, and aren't interested in the extra chocolate chub.

Sometimes you need a treat, and sometimes you need to face reality. Sounds like you've chosen reality, and God knows that's a much harder choice.

Happy long weekend!!

 
At 02 July, 2006 18:38, Blogger buddha_girl said...

Face the reality. Reality is good. But don't ever apologize for being down and sulky.

Your friends will like you sulky, surly, chub, and otherwise. Got that?

Soooooooo did you go? Did ya? Did ya? Dig the dirt and give it to me, sister!

 
At 02 July, 2006 23:37, Blogger terry said...

dzer, i didn't catch it from you, honest! mine's been building for more than a month now. i DO think it's interesting that we're having simultaneous funks...
june was a rough month for a lot of people i know.

and yeah, the aging is noticeable too. that's what i meant, actually.. that what we notice (and tend to judge) first in someone we haven't seen in awhile is how they look. all of it. i'm just not in the state of mind to stand up to that kind of scrutiny right now...

jmai, you're so right. it's just... as i said up there... my whole life is sort of a mess right now and i don't think that'd be a fun time to catch up with someone i haven't seen in two decades. he probably DOESN'T care.... but i do.

and buddhagirl, i am so fortunate to have friends who put up with me when i'm sulky. and chubby.
and i flaked out. truth be told, i had lots of stuff i needed to do, too... but yeah. i'm lame.

i'm also about to bid farewell to a very good friend who's moving across country, and that's making me sad too. it's hard to be much fun right now.

whine, whine, whine...

 
At 03 July, 2006 06:23, Blogger Chelle said...

I, too, have avoided seeing people because of how I felt I looked. I always have mixed feelings sbout it but of course, the low self esteem in me always wins out....and I miss an opportunity I might not have again. Then I get mad at myself!! I hope you went (or go) to see your friend. You might regret it if you don't. Of course, I can understand if you didn't.
*sigh* Ain't life grand?

 
At 03 July, 2006 14:27, Blogger Laura said...

OH TERRY!!
Just look at the new post I just posted!! It will make you feel better!!
And I thought you looked REALLY good on Saturday! Seriously!
Don't worry about the chocolate. I ate so much cake I probably should not have anymore till my next birthday haha.

 
At 03 July, 2006 17:50, Blogger Jon said...

I hope you saw your old friend

 
At 05 July, 2006 11:12, Blogger bg's Little Sis said...

Sorry Terry, June was kinda crappy I agree on that, and my new found chub is laughing at me every time I look in the mirror lately, but I'm going to have the last laugh! Back to my gym, back to my salads, and back to basics for me, I'm hoping it does the trick, let me know if you find something else that works, I'll pay well for it!

lots of love,
lil'sis

 

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