Dork-o-Rama: The Random Thoughts of a Total Goofball

Embracing the Dork Side....Because Life is Too Short to Take Yourself Too Seriously

Saturday, December 29, 2007

As a dog...

Sick, that is. (And what's the origin of that phrase, anyway? Are dogs really sick??)

Yes, I've finally fallen victim to the respiratory/flu crud that's been sweeping through my workplace. I'm amazed it took this long; usually, I'm like a magnet for whatever hideous germs are floating around, and get sick if someone looks at me the wrong way. So, yay for my immune system, for holding up as long as it did.

But this thing is a doozy. I spent about 17 hours in bed yesterday, and could have slept more, I'm certain... but it seemed like I needed to get up and make sure the world was still okay. I don't expect to leave my apartment at all this weekend.

Christmas, by the way, was lovely. Started with a lavender/sugar scrub at a very nice spa, where one of the gayest gay men I've ever met (and that's saying a lot) exclaimed, "I LOVE to scrub!!" when he was leading me into the treatment room. He must, because he's really good at it. Then I had a lovely massage. The whole experience left me feeling like I was in a comfy cocoon.

And then I had the most amazing meal ever, prepared by some more lovely gay men in their amazingly lovely home. Great food, great wine, great company... what more can a girl ask for on a holiday?

Monday, December 24, 2007


Yeah, I was feeling a little grinchy today. I haven't actually worked on Christmas Eve since...uh... I think... the 90's. So that felt weird. And knowing that my holiday plans were in flux had me kinda cranky - even more than usual for a Monday. But I put on my cute Santa hat (with black trim, not white! adorable!*), red blouse, and ornament-like jewelry anyway, figuring I should at least try to fake it. There are far worse troubles in the world than mine.

Then the crew at my Starbucks comped my ginormous Chai.

And I was nearly flooded with gifts at work.

And everyone seemed to get a kick out of my festive appearance.

And some friends who were concerned about my Holiday Orphandom reached out.

And my heart felt even more full than usual.

I was already planning to write here about how lucky I am, but today just confirmed it again. I have the most amazing people in my life, and I truly feel blessed (even though I am not the least bit religious). Part of the reason for my Orphandom this year is the timing of this holiday. I mean, c'mon... Christmas on a TUESDAY? So wrong. So inconvenient when you work in a 24/7 business and your immediate boss is taking the week off. This is why I'm in town, and not in San Diego or Houston or even New York.

And tonight, on a night I usually spend having a lovely dinner of my own making, I had take-out from one of my favorite neighborgood eateries. I've opened a tasty bottle of wine, and am making myself some (gluten-free, natch) stuffing to enjoy this week. I haven't had any in two years, so it's time**. And then I'll make my favorite holiday treat... Zippity Polka Dot Squares. (You normal folks know them as Seven-Layer Bars, but whatever. And there aren't seven layers in mine)***.

And then I'll alternate between watching "It's a Wonderful Life" and "A Christmas Story" on TV, working hard to catch my favorite parts of each film. And there will be no tears, except at the end of "...Life," which makes me cry every damned time.

Because no woman is a failure who has friends. I really am the richest girl in town.

Merry Christmas, everyone.****

*if i weren't so sweaty from the cooking, i'd take a picture...but really, the cute has melted off.
**it's been so long since i've made stuffing -- usually, mom handles this, and i do our christmas eve lasagna dinner -- that i've gotten my portions out of whack. i've made enough stuffing to feed a small army. i'd better make room in my freezer...
***yes, gluten-free. this time, i'm going to grind up some nuts for the crust. yum!
****mine will include a massage and spa experience, then dinner at the home of some major gourmets and gourmands. who have included some gluten-free side dishes in their menu. again, with the luck.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

New traditions...

I suppose I should dub this the Christmas of New Traditions for me, since it's the first time in... uh... maybe ever... that I haven't spent the holiday with anyone in my family. However, some of my new traditions may be crashing and burning, as my main partner in Christmas Orphandom (yes, I've just decided that's a word) is very sick, and might have to bow out of some -- or even all -- of our plans. So I could very well be more orphaned than I'd expected. Particularly on Christmas Eve, which was a bigger deal in my family for many years than Christmas Day itself.

Oh well. I'll live, though I'm sure there will be a few moments of sadness (which I'll try to cure with endless viewings of A Christmas Story). (Thank you, TNT!) But I can also bask in the glow of finally having seen the Mark Morris Dance Group's The Hard Nut. I didn't realize until recently that this was actually set to the music from The Nutcracker. Omigod, is it brilliant. Not only is it really funny, there's some spectacular dancing (and staging) in it.
I'm not sure I'll be able to take a Nutcracker seriously again after this, but I think I'll be seeing it again in the years to come. Orphaned or not.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

It's the most wonderf...

...oh shut up.

Nah, not really grinchy... just kinda cranky. I should be cleaning house right now, but I'm not. Instead, I'm writing this really disjointed, nonsensical post.

I have this terrible feeling I'm about to get sick. I might just be mildly hungover and over-tired after my company's Christmas party last night, but I feel awfully sinus-y and bleh. And nearly everyone around me has been sick during the past month. I'm overdue...

Men are funny when they're trying to surreptitiously check out your cleavage. Note to you fellas: we can see you looking at the chi-chi's. The sly thing? Not sly in the least.

I have no hula classes until the 3rd of January, and that sucks. We learned a couple of Christmas hulas this week, and they're just ridiculous. Very cheesy and funny. Kumu jokingly suggested we break them out as "gifts" for people we don't have time to shop for. Ha. Anyone want a hula?? Or a chant?

Why isn't "It's A Wonderful Life" on TV tonight? It's three days before Christmas, people! Why don't I have it on DVD, either?

My apartment is freezing. It's pretty chilly outside, too. Okay, I know you folks who have real weather will laugh at that statement, but it's cold for California. Even for my fine city by the bay. I had a turtleneck on under my heaviest coat today, and I was STILL cold. That's rare.

My eye itches.

I don't know what to have for dinner. Nothing sounds appetizing. That's another sign that I'm not well.

Maybe I should just go to bed now.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

So, like... *

Yes, I'm still alive. That head injury from a few weeks back didn't suddenly kill me.

Just busy. Realized over the weekend while I was lazing around after a grueling hula workshop (seriously, he expected us to learn an entire dance in a few hours?? ha!) that Christmas is just days away, and that I actually DO have gifts I want to buy for people. Good thing I'm taking a couple of days off at the end of the week, because otherwise, there'd be no shopping time.

Hey, are you on my Christmas card list? Chances are you're not going to get a card this year. Again. I suck. But just because I haven't found the time to scrawl a few unintelligible lines (my handwriting gets more atrocious by the day) on a card, it doesn't mean I don't love you...

It just means I suck.


*i'm not even sure how this started, but it's how my boss and i start conversations with one another, after the official "dude" greeting. this started many, many years ago... and as much as we try to stop duding, we can't. when he first rescued me from my old job... i mean, hired me... i told him i'd do my best not to "dude" him in front of the rest of the staff, but that didn't last long. and he's as bad as i am. in fact, the return address on his family christmas card started with "dude...."

Sunday, December 09, 2007

It's the most wonderful time...

....or something like that. (I like to sing that to friends when we witness people being cranky in the midst of some sort of holiday activity. Which seems to happen a lot. Hello, point-missers!)

So I was all set to go out and get myself a Christmas tree today when a) I realized that the notion of staying home relaxing was much more enticing, after a really busy week and a busy Saturday and b) I took a look at my calendar. It makes no sense for me to get a tree. Even though I'm not going out of town this year, I'm hardly going to be home to enjoy a tree between now and Christmas, between work, hula, and my social calendar.

Then I decided, amid my slothfulness, that I would at least get my non-tree holiday decor out. And then I realized I needed to clean house before putting more knick-knacks (or dust collectors, as my mom likes to call them) about, and then that would complicate future house cleanings, because there'd be more stuff to move and dust... and that idea sounded less appealing.

Is this how Scrooge got his start?

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

A hoo-ha to remember??!?!

Saw the lady-parts doctor today, for my annual bout of humiliation in stirrups. The good thing is that I got to see the doc I used to have, years ago, before my insurance changed and would no longer cover visits with her. Since she's the best lady-parts doc EVER, I'm thrilled to have her back.

As thrilled as one can be, while sitting in a paper "gown," and sliding down so one's ass meets the end of the table.

She walked into the exam room, looked at me, and asked if we'd met before.

I was shocked, as it's been more than a decade since I've seen her. Yes, I told her, I used to be a patient of yours, years ago.

You have no idea how glad I was that she was looking at my face while we were having this conversation.

Oh, and as a parting gift, I received a copy of this:

Yes, it's for ladies of a certain age. Who are in or are approaching The Change. Could the name of the publication be more ridiculous?

It's my own fault; I mentioned that I thought I was peri-menopausal (it's possible, as much as ten years before), and she was just trying to be helpful.

Still. Get me my walker and warm up my rocking chair, kids! I'm officially old.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007


no, i shouldn't laugh
i'm in a much better place
but i can't help it

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Ho, ho, holy crap...

How did it get to be December already? Does it feel like Christmastime to you?

I can't believe Thanksgiving was already more than a week ago. That was another lovely visit to my friend Cindy's family compound in SoCal, by the way. Yes, that WAS us at the Kohl's in Poway at 4 a.m. on Black Friday. There were hundreds of people waiting in line to get in before us, crazily enough. And that was us having burgers at the Red Robin at North County Fair at 9:30 a.m., too. And yes, I got my snow globe from Penney's this year; since we weren't there when the store opened, there was reason to be concerned that we'd miss out, but hooray, we didn't. It wouldn't be a proper Black Friday without those free snow globes!

And then, as I was returning home on Sunday, I ended up driving on a flat tire as I left the lot where I'd parked my car near the Oakland airport and had a delightful adventure trying to find a spot that felt safe to pull over while my tire was shredding on the freeway. At 11:15 p.m. In a not-so-great part of town. Luckily, Triple A wasn't very busy, so I didn't wait long for a tow truck to help me out. (No, I've never changed a tire, and I wasn't about to try to learn how at that hour in that location.)

So here we are, at the holidays again. And this year's a little weirder than most; my mom's not up for a trip out here, and doesn't want me to go to her place, so I'm completely on my own this season. That's a first in my adult life -- I've either had a husband or my mom and the person formerly known as my brother to spend the holidays with, even after my mom moved to Wisconsin eight years ago. This is partly why I've ended up traveling during so many holidays since then -- to keep the Holiday Lonelies away. (And to spend Christmas with my mom, of course. It doesn't seem right not to.)

The holidays can be the bane of a single person's existence... especially with those fucking jewelry commercials every five seconds. Gaah. (Then again, I remember that hideous last holiday season with the ex. I've never felt so lonely in my life as I did that Christmas.)

However, I'm finding I have several friends in the same situation this year, so we're working to put together alternative celebrations. One girlfriend and I are trying to see if we can find a spa experience on Christmas day. We're hoping that at least one hotel with a spa has at least limited hours on the big day. And we've just been invited to dinner at a major foodie co-worker's home, so that will be amazing. I think I'm spending Christmas Eve -- which for years has been a bigger deal in my family -- out at one of my fave neighborhood restaurants with the other orphans from work. So instead of feeling sorry for myself, I'm looking forward to these low-stress adventures.

But don't get me started on New Year's Eve.

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