Dork-o-Rama: The Random Thoughts of a Total Goofball

Embracing the Dork Side....Because Life is Too Short to Take Yourself Too Seriously

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Happy anniversary...

...to me! *

As of this weekend, it has now officially been ten years since the final collapse of that sham of a marriage of mine.

New here? You might want to pour yourself a drink and check this out, and also this and this, or a lot of what I'm about to say won't make much sense. (I'm not guaranteeing I'll make sense even if you know the whole sordid tale...)

Sometime after we'd reconciled, after I learned about the relationship he'd had while we'd been separated, he started seeing his boyfriend again (let's call him B). I don't recall how I found out, but as you might imagine, this didn't sit well with me. As you might expect, I told him he had to end it with him or end it with me, period. That there was no gray area here. His response was some shit about how he had to see B one more time to end it properly, to get closure.

He didn't come home for days. When we finally spoke (this was before either of us had cellphones, and I didn't have B's number) I told him if he didn't come home after work that day, he shouldn't bother ever coming here again, unless he was coming to get his stuff.

I honestly am not sure how, at this stage of the game, I thought we could somehow make this work. But I do remember saying there was no way to even try if he was, hello, LIVING WITH HIS BOYFRIEND. And he kept insisting he wanted to make it work, to be with me. Go figure. Much to my surprise, he came home. And we stuck it out for several more pathetic weeks...him not really wanting to be here, and me not trusting him at all.

Finally, one Friday night in January of 1997, we had plans to either go out to dinner or to have a talk (yes, we had to set up specific talk times... lame) -- I can't remember which. He didn't come home. I was livid, because it was pretty clear where he was. I spent the entire day Saturday fuming, waiting to hear from him. At around 8 or 9 that night, he called me, bawling, from the pay phone at the laundromat two blocks away. I told him not to bother coming over here, that he should just go back to B's, because I wanted nothing more to do with him. He begged and pleaded and bawled some more, and I caved.

I could barely even look at him, I was so furious. I can't even remember what he said to me, or how he tried to explain what he'd done. All I remember is asking if he'd had sex with B, he said yes (one of the few times he was ever honest with me during this fiasco, because he hated it when I'd get mad when he'd tell me the truth. dude, maybe you could try not to do things that make me mad...like, cheat!!) and I lost it. No, I didn't start to cry; all the anger and hurt I'd been carrying with me for so long finally bubbled over. Erupted, really. There was a lot of yelling - on my part. I said things to him I could never have imagined saying to someone I'd loved so much. This is also when I tried to hit him. I must have told him a thousand times to just get out, go, that I didn't want to see him ever again... and he wouldn't budge. I can't recall anything else he said, or why he claimed he didn't want to leave. Finally, after hours of this, I finally went to bed, and told him I hoped he'd be gone when I got up.

The next day, he was still here. He'd slept on the couch. I told him I didn't understand why he was still here, because I wanted him gone. I don't think he said anything, but he then went into the bedroom while I got something to drink. I then ended up on the couch in tears. I think I tried to read or something, but I don't recall. I remember sitting there trying to figure out what to do next.

This is where things get funny. Hours after he'd gone into the bedroom, I decided I needed to go in there and tell him again to leave. It was unbearable, this weird standoff.

He already had. Somehow, while I was in the living room, he'd managed to quietly pack up a few things (very few) and left without my knowing it. It was such a relief, on the one hand, because it was finally over...but it's not like I was ready to do a happy dance. Life was pretty painful for quite some time after that, but at least that giant uncertainty was gone. I could start healing.

I don't think I'll ever understand what the point of that relationship was. A lesson about getting past my fears? One of the main reasons the marriage lasted as long as it did was because I was afraid I'd never find love again.

Lo and behold, I haven't, but I ain't dead yet. And I've never felt as lonely as I was in that marriage.


*note: this is not sarcastic. this is sincere. this is a happy occasion, in a twisted sort of way.

16
At 21 January, 2007 19:04, Blogger JMai said...

When I was younger, I was much mroe able to just walk away when things weren't to my liking. As I've gotten older, I've become so afraid of being alone that I've put up with all kinds of bullshit from people unfit to lick the soles of my shoe. My last boyfriend is a perfect example of this. And as unhappy as I was, I wouldn't, couldn't break up with him because I didn't want to have to go through it again. He finally broke up with me (because I may put up with a lot of shit but I'm not too quiet about it, and he got tired of hearing me bitch about what a loser he is -- not in those words, but he eventually got my drift). And I've never been happier.

Happy Anniversary, Terry... and many, many more. You're awesome and deserve all the best -hugs-

 
At 21 January, 2007 20:38, Blogger The Savage said...

hmmmm I don't quite know how to comment except Happy Anniversary! I'll take a swig out of my bottle of cheap sangria to help ya celebrate!

 
At 21 January, 2007 21:14, Blogger terry said...

jmai, that's really interesting. i definitely feel like i'd be less likely to put up with crap now. and it sounds like breaking up with you was the best thing your ex did for you!

thank you for your kind words. i appreciate it.

thanks, savage! this is a happy reason to toast, though it may seem like a weird one...

 
At 21 January, 2007 22:33, Blogger FATSO said...

As long as the fucker didn't give you HIV you're golden....

i really don't understand why men who want another man string along women they are suposed to "love"...and given my belief that sexuality- gay or straight- is a continum, it seems weird to me that a man would cling to a hetero marriage when he clearly preferred other men.

In this era why would that be?

In any event, congratulations. You are blessed to have yourself back. Never under estimate that.

 
At 22 January, 2007 03:57, Blogger Balloon Pirate said...

I don't think there was a 'point' to the relationship. It just was.

However, if it helped you gain some self-discovery, then you're in a great place.


Yeharr

 
At 22 January, 2007 08:55, Blogger Jeannette said...

Well, now that was one hell of a post. I can see clearly now. This explained so much. I had tons of questions for you but were afraid to ask and I tried to respect your privacy. It was hard to see you two start and then end.

Joe and I didn't know what to do or say except that we're here for you. But after THIS post....now we can add...Happy Anniverary, Terry! You deserve nothing but the best!

 
At 22 January, 2007 10:10, Blogger buddha_girl said...

Happy Anniversary! (like you, sincere!)

I truly feel grateful that you've made it do far into Healing Land. The very fact that you've shared one of the ultimate betrayals any of us could ever encounter and be the honest, loving, hysterical woman I know...all I can say is KUDOS TO YOU!

In retrospect, I think we can all say that you're definitely more ALIVE today than you were when trying to put your entire self into preserving your marriage.

I'm proud to know ya, Terry!

 
At 22 January, 2007 10:18, Blogger Heidi the Hick said...

Terry, you ARE the shit! Value yourself. A day will come when somebody special values you too.

happy Anniversary to YOU!

 
At 22 January, 2007 13:13, Blogger cadbury_vw said...

i am sorry for your pain

i am happy that you were strong enough

i am angry with how he treated you

and i wish you a happy anniversary, and hope you can breathe deep satifying breaths

 
At 22 January, 2007 22:35, Blogger terry said...

fatso, that was definitely a concern for me then.

and i know if he could have found a way to stop being gay, he would have. not because of me, but because he couldn't accept that in himself. i actually empathize greatly with that, though what he dragged me through wasn't right.

pirate, i think that's a woman-thing; we think we have to learn something from failed relationships or big traumas. and i've always wondered what the point was of losing nearly 15 years of my life to that mess, but you're probably right - there IS no reason.

jeannette, you can always ask anything you want. we've known each other too long for me to get offended. plus, it's like it was another life, i'm so far removed from it now.

and i've always appreciated how you and joe have reached out to me, especially considering how close they once were. i'm so grateful to have you in my life.

buddhagirl, thank you! i DO feel more alive now than i was then. funny how that works.

heidi, no YOU are the shit! thank you for your kinds words. i appreciate them.

cad, thank you. sometimes i can't help but laugh at how ridiculous it all got. and i consider myself so lucky in so many ways now, i can't even believe it.

 
At 23 January, 2007 05:15, Blogger Blondie said...

Wow. Stunned. Just read the whole sordid tale. And I thought MY breakup was bad. Good Lord, girlie, you are one strong woman. And my new hero/best friend.

I wonder how I will feel about my ex in 10 years...? Hopefully, since I'm shelling out hundreds of dollars on a Shrinkydink, I'll be happy and healthy. It is working pretty good right now. But back to you--damn. Speechless. I bow down to thee.

 
At 23 January, 2007 05:38, Blogger DZER said...

*mixes you a cosmo*

 
At 23 January, 2007 11:14, Blogger terry said...

blondie, time (and good therapy) really does heal. it doesn't feel like it when you're in the thick of it, or even the aftermath, but things really DO get better. i promise you that.

and no bowing necesssary! i'm really no hero.

dzer, i could use one about now! thank you!

 
At 24 January, 2007 04:59, Blogger Blondie said...

Yes you are a hero. So there. A dirty JT T-shirt hula hero. :)

 
At 01 February, 2007 19:40, Blogger What the Chuck said...

Hi Terry,

I've had three friends in relationships with people who didn't have the orientation thing right.

They all felt the same way you do. They all say the same thing.

I say the same thing to them. And it is this:

"Sometimes things happen, and there is something to learn. Sometimes there's not." When you marry a man who's gay, and it goes so very south, there's only one thing to learn-- don't marry someone who's gay.

We're told over and over by voices in society that we're somehow cosmically special, and everything in life has meaning. I worked in a steel mill for a while. While I was there, a guy who was a pile driver inspector stood underneath the pile driver when it happened to let go by accident. It was worse than Wile E Coyote. Another guy who was a crane operator, walking off an overhead crane 50' off the concrete, dropped his lunchbox and reached for it. We scraped him up off the pavement.

What's the point of this? Sometimes life doesn't have lessons. But you can always be thankful that the pointless things that have happened to you at least have left you still eating sushi and sucking air.

Happy anniversary, sweetie.

XOXO

Chuck

 
At 01 February, 2007 21:12, Blogger terry said...

blondie... you're too funny.

chuck, you are a wise man indeed. from time to time, i can't help but wonder why 15 years of my life got sucked into that relationship... but you're right.. there's not always some Big Reason for something like that. thank you for your kind words.

 

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