Dork-o-Rama: The Random Thoughts of a Total Goofball

Embracing the Dork Side....Because Life is Too Short to Take Yourself Too Seriously

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Chemistry test...

It's one of those things no one can define, but we all know it has to be there to make a relationship work. (Even friendships require a certain chemistry, no?) And when it's not there, boy, is that obvious.

I dated a guy a few years ago who was a really wonderful man -- smart, funny, caring, etc etc. -- but I had no physical attraction to him at all. I dated him longer than I probably should have, because I really WANTED it to work. He possessed so many of the qualities I seek... but the first time he kissed me, I wanted him to stop. Not a good sign. I knew at that moment I had to end it.

But here is what I always wonder: can chemistry develop over time? Or is it something that has to be there at the outset of a relationship?

Me, I've seen it both ways. I've been in situations where I've felt it instantly, and I've also felt it develop after knowing someone for a long time.

So that kind of dooms so many dating situations -- particularly of the online variety, once it enters the real world -- because everyone's looking for instant chemistry. I'm guilty of that as well.

I'd like to know your thoughts....

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving! See y'all next week.

At 21 November, 2007 04:47, Blogger SignGurl said...

Great topic!

Having never been in the online dating world, I cannot imagine not seeing someone I'm "dating" because it is all about chemistry for me. I don't think we can get a good feel for it over the 'net. I think that (speaking hypothetically because I've only had online friendships) we would look for that chemistry more so than we would in real life. In real life, we know immediately if there is chemistry.

I'm just babbling on about something I know nothing about. I'll stop now.

At 21 November, 2007 08:42, Blogger Natalia said...

I think that when there is no chemistry, it's hard for people to stick around to let it develop. And some don't believe it can. I think there is a chance it could. It also works the other way around. Sometimes chemistry evaporates. I just think people like the instant attraction. We are a society of instant gratification. And, honestly, that pull you feel when you like someone, it's the kind of stuff that if you could bottle it, you'd be rich.


At 21 November, 2007 11:08, Blogger Natalie said...

I think there are different types of chemistry and if one type exists then other types can develop over time. That is why you see people who were friends for a long time suddenly develop other feelings. I would casually date someone a little while who I had some "I like you chemistry" but little "I want you chemistry" (or vice-versa) to see if it changed.

At 21 November, 2007 15:03, Blogger sassinak said...

well i've had chemistry instantly but no 'brain' chemistry and instant brain but no lust and and and

i don't know if there is a right answer but i think we are definetely too impatient to let things develop properly.

that said, when it ain't there at all it rarely shows up... like if you're kinda squicked by someone you aren't going to get over it... but if you love their brain then the body may come...

At 21 November, 2007 15:49, Blogger Sassy Hair said...

Like you, I've seen chemistry manifest itself both ways: instantly and over time. I think we've all either been in friendships that have lead to dating relationships or at least sexual attraction, and we've all met someone and been attracted to them instantly.

In fact, you know or know of many of the men I've been attracted to instantly, and you know of at least one for whom I developed feelings over time. As unfortunate as ALL of those choices were for me.


I think if sexual chemistry isn't instant, you certainly can't force it, but it can develop naturally. If you really like a person despite a lack of chemistry, just be his friend. If something further develops, yay. But don't count on or even hope for anything further.

I can't comment on what this means for the online dating world because, as mainstream as it is, online dating makes me nervous. It would seem to me, though, that there is potentially a lot of pressure in online dating because people are either looking for The One or to just get laid. I haven't heard many stories of people turning to online dating sites just to get to know people and make friends. And getting laid or meeting The One would seem to require instant chemistry.

At 21 November, 2007 20:47, Blogger sassinak said...

both of those expectations are too high. i expect this from an online date:

if anything more than that happens? then great. otherwise i had coffee.

and anything more can be a new man (see post called 'adjustments') or a new friend or someone i never see again who nonetheless challenges me to think in a new way.

heck it can even just be someone that i invite to parties...

At 23 November, 2007 17:48, Blogger Laura said...

aaah. im all young and innocent to the dating world. im of the thought that you need chemistry to feel attracted to someone. but what do i know?!?! oh also that once you good chemistry, you can feel comfortable with the person, and get to know them. leading to a deeper bond, a different kind of chemistry. now im babbling. i should write a book!

At 24 November, 2007 11:20, Blogger Jon said...

Me being the Internet dating slut that I am, I totally agree. Well, I wish I was a slut sometimes.

I hope you had a great holiday

At 25 November, 2007 06:26, Blogger buddha_girl said...

Yeesh. Tough yet great question.

I did the whole Internet dating thing a LONG time ago. Sometimes I felt the chemistry before meeting someone - other times, not so much. I gave many of the guys a chance just because I knew that too many people don't translate well through keystrokes.

Most times, the chemistry in person was HORRIFIC.

With that said, I think chemistry can and should develop. If that WOW impact you feel instantly isn't nurtured, it'll sure as hell go bye-bye at some point. You can't just take that "click" for granted.

Now...why in the hell are you asking if chemistry can develop? Have you suddenly clicked with someone you formerly thought was a dud? Dig the dirt and give it to us!

At 26 November, 2007 08:05, Blogger Balloon Pirate said...

Whoa. It's been this long since I've dropped by?

Sheesh. Sorry.

Not all chemical reactions are instant. Remember that. Sometimes two ingredients need to be near each other for some time for there to be a flash point. Sometimes an additional element needs to be added to the soup for the two base elements to react to each other.

Apparently, Mr. Mowry was right back in eleventh grade. I CAN use this information in my daily life.


At 26 November, 2007 23:14, Blogger terry said...

signgurl, you're right about not being able to discern chemistry online. what i mean is when people meet in real life, after initially meeting online... there seem to be extremely high expectations -- this is why there seem to be loads of first dates, and not as many second dates.

nat, you make an excellent point about instant gratification. we don't want to wait for anything, do we?

natalie, you almost HAVE to go there to see if the chemistry changes, no? seems few are willing -- myself included, at times.

sass, i agree -- none at all is the worst, and it doesn't seem to me that that changes.

sassy hair, i'm not sure the chemistry is instantly strong with The One, either. i certainly know well-matched couples who didn't feel it at first. i know i felt it with the ex, and look where that got me...! hah.

sass again, that's the right attitude, i think. and i've always tried, when doing the online dating thing, to keep an open mind and see what might develop. i think many men are looking for The One (or to get laid) and if they don't see it right away, then they move on. i suppose i'm fortunate, really. why waste my time?

laura, i think you're a wise woman!

jon, you are a slut. but i like that about you.

buddha girl, the funny thing is that i tend to write them off if they DON'T come across well in keystrokes...! perhaps i'm doing it all backwards (not that i'm even remotely interested in meeting anyone who's contacted me online of late. eeeeesh.)

as to your question... maybe.

pirate, that is an excellent way of looking at it. mr. mowry should be proud.

At 27 November, 2007 06:21, Blogger DZER said...

I think it's more about physics and calculus ... I dig the area under a gal's curves ... heh

At 28 November, 2007 17:15, Blogger Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

Huh, I've never tried to date someone who I didn't have chemistry with. And by chemistry, of course, I mean was well endowed. That's always critical in a relationship.

At 16 December, 2007 09:59, Blogger kt said...

chemistry is super important.. the tricky part with online dating is that is HAS to be there initially - you can't ask someone just to hang out and be your friend for a few years, hoping something will develop.


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