Oops...

In my glee over the breaking of the fever, I failed to mention the downside: I seem to have made a co-worker sick.
That's bad for my karma, right?
Part of my penance is that I had to get up earlier than usual today, to fill in for her. Oh, joy.

But before I hauled my ass off to bed last night, I caught a couple of episodes of that new show on E! about Lisa Loeb's search for love. And the thing that struck me the most was her talking about how much she wants to get married and have kids.

I was apparently born without a biological clock. I have always been ambivalent about whether I'd have kids, and I have never felt that primal urge that so many women describe. It's just not there. Okay, there was one time I wanted to take Angela's son home, when he was a little baby, but that's really the only time I've felt that tug.

This is not to say that I don't like kids; I love my friends' kids. They're fabulous people, and I feel lucky to be able to watch them grow up. They amaze me with each new stage of their lives.

I've never been sure I'd be a good mother. I'd surely pass on all my neuroses, and who needs that? I'm also not sure I'm capable of the kind of sacrifice that's required of parents. I say it all the time -- I think parenting's the hardest and most important job there is. I honestly don't think I'm up to it.

My ex-husband suggested over and over and over again that we have children, and I am so grateful that I actually listened to my heart on that issue, as I knew we were never at a point in that mess when we were ready for that. He, of course, never seemed to understand what I was talking about, when I would say that.

What's really interesting to me now is that I've been on a couple of dates with guys who couldn't believe that I still don't know whether I want kids. One of them said to me, with great surprise in his voice, "Don't you think you should make up your mind??"

I think life is making that choice for me. And if I wanted a different answer, I'd do something about it.