Dork-o-Rama: The Random Thoughts of a Total Goofball

Embracing the Dork Side....Because Life is Too Short to Take Yourself Too Seriously

Sunday, September 30, 2007

It never fails...


She thinks when she was small

There on her father's knee

How he had promised her

"You'll always be my baby"

"Daddy come quick

The dreaming tree has died...."


- The Dreaming Tree, Dave Matthews Band



Funny that they played this song last night. I don't think I've ever heard them do it it live.

This date always kicks me in the ass...even when I try to prevent it. (Odd that fall is my favorite season anyway. I can't explain that.)

And for some reason, lately, I've started thinking about the inevitable day (god, I can barely type the words) when I'll lose my mother. I can't even fathom it. One of my friends at work recently lost hers, and when I stopped into her office to see how she was doing, I found myself crying more than she was...because I can't imagine it. Or really, I CAN imagine it, and I don't want to. I try so hard not to let my mind go there because it's too scary.

It's a fear I've had SINCE my dad died, actually. I was always afraid something would happen to her. When I was 19, she underwent surgery for her uterine fibroids, and I was a basket case. I think she was, too, because the first words out of her mouth when she regained consciousness were, " Are they benign?" Thankfully, they were.

I guess there are some things you never completely get over, and losing a parent when you're still a child is one of them. There's still a part of me that's a deeply wounded 8-year-old who doesn't understand why her father had to die.

The 43-year-old me doesn't understand, either. Never will.

7
At 30 September, 2007 18:35, Blogger The Savage said...

Having lost a parent I understand....
Hugs to you....

 
At 01 October, 2007 09:17, Blogger Natalia said...

Being in the process of trying to come to grips with my dad's terminal cancer, I get it.

-N

 
At 01 October, 2007 09:35, Blogger cadbury_vw said...

your post brings home the important role parents play in people's lives. and the wound that can occur when they are gone

i'm glad you remember your father - and that you honour him

one day i was sitting at lunch - i was complaining about how my Dad was getting annoying calling me all the time.

my friend said "I wish my Dad could call me sometime."

i am sorry for your loss

 
At 01 October, 2007 09:40, Blogger Heidi the Hick said...

I love that picture. You have his expression, I think.

 
At 01 October, 2007 11:13, Blogger Balloon Pirate said...

Very evocative. Part of him is with you always.

Put down the fear. It's hard, I know, but it's out of your control. Just enjoy the time you have with her.

yeharr

 
At 01 October, 2007 17:29, Blogger terry said...

savage, i hear you. and thank you.

oh, nat... it's not easy at any age, is it? you're in my thoughts.

cad, it's all about perspective, i guess. our families can drive us nuts, but imagining life without them is worse.

heidi, i have many of his features. when i'm with my mom, no one knows we're mother and daughter because i look so much like my dad! this is my favorite pic, too.

pirate, i've tried to let myself feel the fear, so that it loses its power, but that hasn't helped much. i'm trying, though...

 
At 05 October, 2007 03:02, Blogger buddha_girl said...

I don't think there's ever a 'good' time to lose a parent. I don't care how young or old you are.

I still miss my Dad every day and will continue to feel that void in my life.

 

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