It never fails...

She thinks when she was small

There on her father's knee

How he had promised her

"You'll always be my baby"

"Daddy come quick

The dreaming tree has died...."

- The Dreaming Tree, Dave Matthews Band

Funny that they played this song last night. I don't think I've ever heard them do it it live.

This date always kicks me in the ass...even when I try to prevent it. (Odd that fall is my favorite season anyway. I can't explain that.)

And for some reason, lately, I've started thinking about the inevitable day (god, I can barely type the words) when I'll lose my mother. I can't even fathom it. One of my friends at work recently lost hers, and when I stopped into her office to see how she was doing, I found myself crying more than she was...because I can't imagine it. Or really, I CAN imagine it, and I don't want to. I try so hard not to let my mind go there because it's too scary.

It's a fear I've had SINCE my dad died, actually. I was always afraid something would happen to her. When I was 19, she underwent surgery for her uterine fibroids, and I was a basket case. I think she was, too, because the first words out of her mouth when she regained consciousness were, " Are they benign?" Thankfully, they were.

I guess there are some things you never completely get over, and losing a parent when you're still a child is one of them. There's still a part of me that's a deeply wounded 8-year-old who doesn't understand why her father had to die.

The 43-year-old me doesn't understand, either. Never will.