Dork-o-Rama: The Random Thoughts of a Total Goofball

Embracing the Dork Side....Because Life is Too Short to Take Yourself Too Seriously

Monday, May 28, 2007

Oy...

Don't you just love it when current events dredge up ugly stuff from your own life?

I wasn't even going to write about this -- I've been sitting on it for awhile -- but I can't resist. My heart went out to Dina McGreevey when her husband came out, because I could see the pain in her eyes at that infamous news conference. I'd seen that look in my mirror. I'll give you a moment to go read that story...

Okay.

One of the reasons it was so hard for me to tell people -- even my closest friends -- what was going on with the ex-hub and I (click here if you've missed the back story) was that I was convinced that people would judge ME. That it reflected on some major flaw in me that I ended up marrying a gay man.

And once I did start telling people -- a lot later, when I was a lot stronger -- there were many people who asked me if I knew he was gay. I'm sorry, but do I LOOK like a moron? I wouldn't have married him if I'd known. I've had loads of gay people in my life, and I've loved them all, but I had and have no interest in marrying one. And contrary to what one of those authors in that story suggests, there is no checklist. Or maybe it's just me; I try not to subscribe to stereotypes. I think it's dangerous to marginalize people because I know I've been marginalized at times and I hate it.

This quote rings so true:

"The first reaction is shock and disbelief and some relief, because it explains some unspoken problems that seem to be lurking there," she said. "The biggest shock is not the revelation but the fact that they've been betrayed and deceived for so many years."

Exactly. We'd definitely had our problems, and he did a fine job of pointing the finger at me for all of them. And because I was so fucked up, I believed it. So there definitely was a small sense of relief when the truth came out. And it explained a lot of what had happened over the course of our relationship.

Also, in my case, my anger and hurt stemmed from the notion that once he started to realize who he was and started acting on it, he didn't bother to take me or my feelings into consideration, even after all the years we'd spent together. He couldn't be bothered to tell me who he was.

And I'm absolutely fascinated by this quote...

"I would rather stop this behavior than go through a divorce," he said. "I don't want to ask my wife to be in a marriage with me where she's sanctioning me to go out and screw other guys."

....because that's exactly what the ex wanted from me. He wanted to stay married to me, but to have relationships with men. As I've said here before, I don't remember taking THAT vow. But that guy quoted up there? Is going to break his wife's heart one day. He can't stop that behavior. You can't deny who you are, no matter how much you want to.

I even understood that when my own heart was breaking.

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At 29 May, 2007 03:20, Blogger The Savage said...

To have and to hold in sickness and in health, through good times and bad and the possible chance of one of us being homosexual... ummm not quite the vows I have heard....... lol
Rememebr.. I'm straight.. and available...
(wink)
Thats right.. I'm first!

 
At 29 May, 2007 05:07, Blogger Blondie said...

I saw Dina on GMA a few weeks ago and she totally didn't know. It broke my heart, too, though not in the way it broke yours. I'm so sorry you had to live through that experience. What a raw deal.

 
At 29 May, 2007 10:06, Blogger Balloon Pirate said...

I have nothing witty or even worthwhile to add here. I just want you to know I'm glad I know ya.

yeharr

 
At 29 May, 2007 10:33, Blogger Natalia said...

I thought about you when I saw her on Oprah. I was so disgusted to find out that he claims she knew. I don't think there are too many women who would agree to such a life. Her face when she was standing next to him when he came out was of someone who has been bamboozled; someone whose life has just been torn apart but can't quite believe it yet.

Great post. Thanks for sharing.

And also...I'm back from Greece! :)

-N

 
At 29 May, 2007 14:38, Blogger cadbury_vw said...

i can only imagine the pain

i am sorry for your pain

you do/did not deserve it

 
At 29 May, 2007 16:07, Blogger Chrissie said...

Wow... I had no idea, i've never searched your archives!

When i was first married we had 2 other couples we spent all our party time with, and both my hub and his BF (W) would make comments about the 3rd guy. Now W's wife n I would defend him, oh whatever just cuz hes got some class and isn't a belchin, scratchin, sport watching MANS man...

We had kids and moved on to friends with kids, though we remained friend with W and his wife... the other 2 kinda drifted off. I was shocked about 5 years later when I heard they had split and my hub and W were dead on!

I guess it happens.. Not cool!

 
At 29 May, 2007 23:25, Blogger terry said...

savage.... "forsaking all others, except the guys i'd like to fuck...."

uh, no.

blondie, it's really awful realizing you've been living a lie. i can't imagine how much harder it must be with the world watching.

pirate, thank you. that's sweet.

nat, she definitely had that shellshocked, zombie look about her. i have a hard time believing that was the life she chose for herself.

cad, thank you. fortunately, most of that pain is in the past. it bubbles up from time to time, though... especially when i read stuff like that "is he gay" story.

chrissie, it happens a lot. i even understand to a certain degree why it happens, considering how hard it is to be gay in our culture.

i do not understand why, once you start figuring out who you are, you'd do all you can to shit all over the one person who's supported you in everything for so long.

but i'll never understand that...!

 
At 29 May, 2007 23:26, Blogger terry said...

oh, and thank you all for your kind words!

 
At 30 May, 2007 08:43, Blogger Natalie said...

I didn't realize you had been thought this. Both Dina's and your stories are so very sad. Why lie to someone for that long? How incredibly selfish does someone have to be to think that type of behavior is ok. I also can't imagine he would ask you to stay married. What a coward.

 
At 30 May, 2007 20:05, Blogger buddha_girl said...

Heartbreaking stuff here, Terry. You have that innate strength to overcome an ultimate betrayal...whether or not your ex didn't mean to put you through that hell.

I admire your resilience and resistance to break.

 
At 30 May, 2007 21:25, Blogger terry said...

natalie, i truly believe, in my case, that he didn't really know himself when he first got together. we were teenagers when we started dating, though we didn't marry until our mid-20s.

i still can't reconcile myself with the fact that once he came to understand himself, he left me in the dark. even after we were in therapy -- what a waste of time and money that turned out to be, because he wasn't being honest.

aw, thanks, buddhagirl. you either sink or swim when faced with adversity, so after treading water for a long time, i started to swim. i saw no other choice.

 
At 02 June, 2007 16:31, Blogger What the Chuck said...

Hi Terry,

Both people and people inside this cultural context are so fucked up, who can expect different?

I've had friends that married lesbians. They got done, they're over at my house, sucking down my booze. They're crying, talking about all the therapy they'll need, trying to figure out what went wrong.

Meanie me says this: YOU. MARRIED.A. LESBIAN. Be relieved. Shit, don't give $5000 to a therapist. Buy a new motorcycle, fer chrissakes. What is the therapist gonna tell you? Don't marry lesbians?

And shit happens. You gotta keep going-- just like you've done!

XOXO

Chuck

 

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