Oy...

Don't you just love it when current events dredge up ugly stuff from your own life?

I wasn't even going to write about this -- I've been sitting on it for awhile -- but I can't resist. My heart went out to Dina McGreevey when her husband came out, because I could see the pain in her eyes at that infamous news conference. I'd seen that look in my mirror. I'll give you a moment to go read that story...

Okay.

One of the reasons it was so hard for me to tell people -- even my closest friends -- what was going on with the ex-hub and I (click here if you've missed the back story) was that I was convinced that people would judge ME. That it reflected on some major flaw in me that I ended up marrying a gay man.

And once I did start telling people -- a lot later, when I was a lot stronger -- there were many people who asked me if I knew he was gay. I'm sorry, but do I LOOK like a moron? I wouldn't have married him if I'd known. I've had loads of gay people in my life, and I've loved them all, but I had and have no interest in marrying one. And contrary to what one of those authors in that story suggests, there is no checklist. Or maybe it's just me; I try not to subscribe to stereotypes. I think it's dangerous to marginalize people because I know I've been marginalized at times and I hate it.

This quote rings so true:

"The first reaction is shock and disbelief and some relief, because it explains some unspoken problems that seem to be lurking there," she said. "The biggest shock is not the revelation but the fact that they've been betrayed and deceived for so many years."

Exactly. We'd definitely had our problems, and he did a fine job of pointing the finger at me for all of them. And because I was so fucked up, I believed it. So there definitely was a small sense of relief when the truth came out. And it explained a lot of what had happened over the course of our relationship.

Also, in my case, my anger and hurt stemmed from the notion that once he started to realize who he was and started acting on it, he didn't bother to take me or my feelings into consideration, even after all the years we'd spent together. He couldn't be bothered to tell me who he was.

And I'm absolutely fascinated by this quote...

"I would rather stop this behavior than go through a divorce," he said. "I don't want to ask my wife to be in a marriage with me where she's sanctioning me to go out and screw other guys."

....because that's exactly what the ex wanted from me. He wanted to stay married to me, but to have relationships with men. As I've said here before, I don't remember taking THAT vow. But that guy quoted up there? Is going to break his wife's heart one day. He can't stop that behavior. You can't deny who you are, no matter how much you want to.

I even understood that when my own heart was breaking.