Dork-o-Rama: The Random Thoughts of a Total Goofball

Embracing the Dork Side....Because Life is Too Short to Take Yourself Too Seriously

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Must Love...Dignity

News item:

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Her character in ``Must Love Dogs'' is embarrassed to do it, but if Diane Lane were single in real life, she says she'd be onthe Internet looking for a guy in a minute. She says she thinks it would be ``a ball.''

A ball? Oh, Diane. I know you have a movie to promote, but PLEASE. It is not a ball, in most cases, but simply weird. And the anonymity of it leads to some truly eyebrow-raising behavior.

For instance, there are a lot of men out there who seem to think that if a woman is open to online dating, she wants to see pictures of their genitalia. Or read otherwise explicit notes from strangers. One of my personal favorites was simple: "Are you shaved?"
Yeah. You're the guy I want to get to know better. (And I'm such a smartass that I thought it would be funny to say, "As a matter of fact, I did shave my legs today!" It hadn't occurred to me that he would think I was being serious and not realize that I was mocking him. Oops.)

Then, you'll find, that after you've agonized over every little word you used to describe yourself in a clever, witty, yet truthful manner (go ahead -- try summing up the essence of your being in a paragraph sometime), 99% of the guys who respond will not pay any attention at all to what you've written. Why? What's the first rule of online dating? It's all about the picture. What's the second rule of online dating? It's all about the picture. Great. So glad I have a large collection of photos that make me look like I have ghostly white skin (I prefer to think of it as milky white), flaming red eyes (hello, they're green and blue!), and 37 chins (Okay. I have more than one chin... but really. I'm not Jabba the Hutt. Most days.).

Then you start realizing that many people online are shopping. That's the only way to describe those long, detailed lists of qualities they're seeking. And those are usually the people who've been signed up for online dating services the longest. Coincidence? I think not.
I'm guessing these are also the people who are most likely to fall off the face of the earth, after starting the oh-so-tedious "getting to know you" e-mail exchange. Just gone, without a trace. Should I call the police or something? You've already seen the bad picture; was it something I said?? But see, this is acceptable behavior in online dating, to just stop talking to someone when you've lost interest, for whatever reason.

Then there are the completely illiterate replies you'll get, as outlined here.
(My new favorite blog, btw. Go read. You'll die.)
Okay, I know that spelling isn't supposed to count. But it does.

Just recently, my dear pal Kim reluctantly dipped her toe back into the online pool. Here's one ...uh....really interesting guy she heard from (snarky remarks in italics are mine):

About me and who I'd like to date: I am highly intelligent, handsome, very athletic and play the keyboards, where I enjoy Jazz, Classical and Rock (i didn't realize keyboards were a place). I was recruited by the Ivy League Schools (all of them? you went to more than one college?), not only for my academic achievements but also for being ranked as one of the top Quarterbacks and Kickers in the country (modesty makes me so hot!). Being tenacious and undaunted by anybody or anything has proved to be an asset on Wall Street, the Corporate Boardroom and in athletics (you are apparently undaunted by Using capital letters, In the Wrong places). Once you meet me, you will quickly discern that I am highly sensitive, honest, compassionate, communicative, open, affectionate, gregarious and have a great sense of humor (really? why is there no humor here??). Not only am I highly ethical with strong morals but also I am the consummate gentleman. (zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz i'm sorry! how rude of me! you were saying?)
I would not have been a finalist for Bachelor of the Month for Cosmopolitan Magazine some years ago, orModeled for the Ford Model Agency during my college years, if I were not considered Handsome with an Athletic Build. (Oh. My. God.)

Then there's the 28 year-old who posted a lot of pics of his very nice physique, but can you decipher this?

Subject: I am Jonny. If you 39;re curious then we have something in common
(huh? kim's 40. but..huh? what's 39;re? is that slang for something? you kids today...)
Gramma says I'm a player ......................But I don't think she knows what that means. I told her to start watching more Judge Judy and less MTV Jams (say what? and MTV Jams hasn't been on the air in years!)
I have a rigorous training schedule so most of my day is spent training (lots of intellectual stimulation, ooh.) I am an aspiring professional boxer, looking to turn pro later this year. I have never wanted anything more in my life and wake up every morning with a burning fire inside (there's medication for that) and ready to go after my dreams.

I suppose I should give these guys credit for putting themselves out there, since I am, to steal a line from Sex and the City, on strike until conditions improve.
But there's got to be a better way. Please tell me there's a better way.

At 24 August, 2005 10:13, Anonymous Sassy Hair said...

Those online entries are the funniest things I have read in a long time. Maybe online dating should be marketed as comedy.

At 24 August, 2005 10:22, Blogger Angela said...

I am Peeing my fucking pants Reading about Mr. 39're!!!

At 24 August, 2005 10:24, Blogger Angela said...

Also...I think your post has left me alone at the bar Internet handsome.

At 24 August, 2005 10:32, Blogger Queen of Cheese said...

Let me introduce you to ... Rodrigo.

let me correct Angela, above:

lefted at the bar internet handsome.

Not even an internet date. Weird. I STILL don't know what that means.

We DO, however, know what "cheating" means in the world of Internet Handsome.

At 24 August, 2005 11:51, Blogger terry said...

oh my god, i'd FORGOTTEN all about the bar internet handsome! d, you must put that on your blog one day....


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